For me, For them

Our lives are really too short

2012-01-18T09:56:00.001-06:00

I wanted to do something for SOPA today as most blogs and websites are, however I lost my lil half brother to a genetic blood disorder last night. He was 33 yrs old. He ended up with cirrhosis of the liver and the complications of that eventually took his life. He was a vibrant, sweet, gentle, kind man. He was extremely intelligent and loved to debate or give advice. He would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. We had different mothers and our father was not in our life. We really hadn't known each other long. Our father had passed away a few years ago from liver cancer and it brought us together. I am so glad that it did. In that short amount of time I had gained not just a little brother, but a friend. I am heart broken. I will miss him dearly.

As I think of him and his health I need to think of my own. I have non alcoholic fatty liver disease. If I lost a father to liver cancer and a brother to cirrhosis then what are my chances of having one of those things happen to me if I continue down the overeating path? So I dedicate myself even more to getting healthy and losing weight. I will live my life to the fullest in honor of my little brother. I love you Gentry!

I used to think I was the strangest person....

2012-01-15T16:40:00.002-06:00

“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true I'm here, and I'm just as strange as you.” ~Frida Kahlo

I am also an artist and Frida is one of my favorites, as is this quote.

Clean Eating book and my 5 things

2012-01-12T11:12:00.001-06:00

So I have been at this weight loss thing forever it seems. I have gone on and off of Weight Watchers many times. And truthfully Weight Watchers works when you stick to it. I however let stress and life get to me and get off the wagon and go back to eating large portions and unhealthy overly processed ~~crap~~ food. Now I can tell a big difference in my health when I am eating healthy or not. I have IBS and GERD and these will also act up when not eating right. I jumped off the wagon around Thanksgiving and continued until January 3rd. I gained 14lbs over this time. 14lbs!!!!! That is crazy! A friend and I have been talking many times about "Clean Eating", we just didn't call it that. Another friend has lost a large amount of weight and gained her health back by eating clean. So I went to my handy dandy library and checked out a book called The Complete Idiot's Guide to Eating Clean. This has totally changed my thinking on food. Now I was trying to steer away from boxed and processed foods anyway, but this has made me want to do so even more. If you get a chance check out the book from your local library and tell me what you think.

Now my 5 things I am grateful for from last night.

1. my kids (They will always be #1)

2. fresh strawberries with nonfat vanilla yogurt

3. swimming at the Y

4. reading a really good book on Clean Eating.

5. my new water bottle (it has the ounces marked on it so I can tell how much I am drinking so I am drinking more water to try and get my 64oz in. Love it!!!)

What's for dinner and my 5 things

2012-01-11T10:41:00.001-06:00

I found a great website for recipes for Weight Watchers members. It's Gina's Skinny Recipes. I have loved every recipe I have tried so far. So tonight we are having the Crockpot Santa Fe Chicken. I changed it up a little. I am making it on the stove since our crock pot wasn't big enough to hold it all. I cubed my chicken, I added green and red bell pepper, tomatillos and onion. I sauteed them first with a little olive oil and garlic. I also used vegetable broth instead of chicken broth. I don't think it will affect the points much. It was absolutely delicious! I made so much that we will be having it again tonight.

My 5 things I am grateful for from last night.

1. My kids. (We all took a trip to the library tonight. My son might just enjoy graphic novels, but he is still reading so I will take it. My daughter likes chapter books mostly, but she got some kid graphic novels too. As long as they are reading I am a happy momma!)

2.The produce from the produce co-op I belong too. I got a few extra things, such as brussel sprouts. We now have 4lbs in our house. We will eat 2lbs at a time though easily.

3. Grapefruit

4. Clean sheets and comforter on my bed.

5. Mostly clean bedroom

The Happiness Project and starting a new year

2012-01-09T11:36:00.000-06:00

So I am currently reading The Happiness Project. The author tackles a different aspect of her life and tries to improve it in some way in order to make herself a happier. It is a great guideline for anyone trying to improve their life and make it a little happier too. So I will be tackling a new part of my life each month also in order to hopefully become a happier person and improve my life and the lives of those around me. I am using the book as a guideline and will change it somewhat to fit my needs. Such as the author in February tackles her marriage. Well I am not married, well technically I am, but I am at the tail end of a divorce. So instead I will tackle self love. So hopefully I can follow this through as we all know how I start a project and then it slowly peters out. Anyways wish me luck.

January is Vitality. I have already started back on my Weight Watchers and I am slowly adopting clean eating habits. I know I will not switch completely over to clean eating as I will not be making my own bread every day, nor can I afford all organic produce, or organic meats, but I will be adopting as much as I can into my and my family's lives. I have bought some vitamins and I am going to start exercising again. This is the hard part. I don't want to exercise. I would much rather sit my fat ass at a computer. So this one will be a struggle.

The author also has a gratitude journal in which she writes 3 things she is grateful for each day. The author feels that gratitude is important to happiness. I already and have for some time wrote as a Facebook status 5 things I am grateful for most nights, but I will also try to include those here. I too feel that gratitude is important to happiness. We too often overlook the little things in life that make our lives just a little or a lot better.

My list from last night's FB status.

5 things I am grateful for today.

1. My kids (my daughter has a headache again today. We are trying to hit it with an allergy pill too to see if it stems from that. She stayed at a friends house who has dogs last night. When she comes back from her dad's, who also has dogs, she complains of a sore throat and headaches. She is asleep now thankfully, poor baby! My son has spent the day with my niece and mom mostly. We did watch some Spongebob together though.

2. Fresh strawberries and nonfat vanilla yogurt. So yummy!

3. All the clothes laundry is done. I still need to wash my sheets and comforter, but I can do that later in the week.

4. Got to see my niece today. She is such an intelligent, sweet, beautiful young lady going through a rough time. I will always be here for her though.

5. Fresh pineapple

Trying to save money and eat right

2011-11-17T22:32:00.001-06:00

In an effort to save money and try and eat right I have made a price list of the local store we always go to as their prices don't really change much. It will give me a chance to match up coupons with local store ads and see who has the best price on an item. I am also looking into getting membership to either a Costco or a Sam's to see if I can save on some items like brown rice, couscous, quinoa, oatmeal and meat. I am looking forward to tackling this. I am also doing meal planning as I had a little freak out tonight when there was nothing thawed out and nothing healthy in the house for me to eat that didn't require a whole lot of time. Plus we have meat in the house, but no side dishes so I need to plan for a whole meal instead of just buying whatever meat is one sale. It was fun scouring the Weight Watchers website and one of my other faves Skinnytaste for recipes for these meals. I know this will help my weight loss too.

Supposed to post my five, but I am just not feeling tonight.

2011-11-16T13:47:00.001-06:00

I am still struggling. Not eating right, bingeing and not exercising. I have no motivation at all. My therapist suggested that I try coming up with ideas of my relationship with food and then try to rewrite then to healthier versions. So I am going to do that kind of. I am going to try and post 5 different ways I view my relationship with food daily and then 5 healthy ways I should be viewing food. I might repeat myself often and that is okay. So here goes

1. food is my friend
2. food helps me to forget my troubles while I am eating
3. food helps me to celebrate like no friend ever could
4. food makes me happy
5. I can always count on food.

Health ways to view food

1. I need food as energy for my body
2. Food can provide the necessary nutrients and vitamins to keep me from getting sick
3. I must have food to survive
4. Food can help my skin look healthy and my hair grow
5. Food can help me become strong

Keep on keeping on

2011-03-14T15:55:00.000-05:00

I am still not losing weight. I am at the same weight I have been at for months. I can't seem to get ahead. If I don't lose I get discouraged and start eating unhealthy food or large portions of the healthy stuff I do eat. It's pretty depressing! I keep telling myself that it is not going to happen overnight and that I have not committed myself 100% so what should I expect, but it is hard not to want to give in when I am getting no where. I don't have crap food in the house. It is all healthy. I am eating fruit and veggies daily along with lots of lean protein. I am trying very hard to watch my portions and still I have those times late at night where I eat something I shouldn't or go over my WW points. I am not exercising like I should and I know it is partially due to the weather and partially due to depression over my impending divorce. I am ready for it to be over with, but there is a part of me that is finding it hard to let go. Even after all he did to me. So I got to keep on keeping on. I got to find a way to rededicate myself to this and to myself. I deserve to be healthy and at a healthy weight. I deserve this!!!

How far I have come with my food addiction

2011-02-09T15:06:00.002-06:00

I watched MTV's "I have a food addiction" today. Wow! It really made me sit back and think on my own. I use food to self medicate. Mostly to numb myself when I don't want to feel an emotion or when I am stressed to make me happy. Funny how food can do both those things. I have been on and off WW for a very long time. Recently due to a divorce I decided to take my life back. I am serious this time. I am doing this for me this time. Not to necessarily look better, but to feel better physically and to feel better emotionally about myself. I watched these poor women who had no clue on even how to begin the journey I am on. I have come so far even though I have not lost a lot of weight. I know what I should be eating. I know the correct portions I should be eating. I know to choose fresh fruit and vegetable and whole grains over boxed and processed foods. I know I need to face my demons every day and be honest with myself. I know I should be exercising more (working on this on). I know I need to drink more water (working on this one too). Though I felt so bad for these women, it was almost refreshing for me to see how far I have come. I've got a long way to go. I still binge. I still eat to numb or bring on that momentary happiness. But I know what I SHOULD be doing. Which is a huge part of the battle.

Yes you can have nachos....kinda

2011-02-04T19:13:00.000-06:00

I was craving nachos and I hadn't eaten dinner yet. I didn't have tortilla chips and I am thankful because I might of given in. Well I got creative. Please keep in mind that I am doing the old WW and have not switched over to the new points plus so the points might differ.

1 baked potato 3pts
2 oz colby cheese 6pts
1/2 cup salsa 0pts
1 1/2 tbsps light sourcream 1pt
1/4 cup jalepenos 0pts

10pts

I baked the potato first in the microwave and then sliced the cheese thin and melted it on the potato in the microwave. Added sourcream, salsa and jalepenos. You could make this lower in points by using low fat or fat free cheese and nonfat sourcream.

It wasn't quite like nachos, but it did the trick.

Exercise for free at home and it works, but you will pay

2011-02-03T23:39:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I tried to do the stairs at my house trying to find a free way to exercise since I can't get outside in all this ice and snow. Well it kicked my butt. So last night I got on sparkspeople.com and looked up basic exercises like the ones we used to do in grade school. Today I did squats, lunges, pushups, crunches, leg lifts, jumping jacks, etc. in between some time on the stairs. I hurt! It made me feel good that I am doing something though. I still plan to buy the 30 Day Shred and I also found a boxing workout dvd with Sugar Ray Leonard and Laila Ali that I am going to try too. I figure these things can get me through until I can get back outside to start up the Couch to 5K again.

Self Sabotage and Feb. Goals

2011-02-01T13:38:00.001-06:00

So it's been a while since I posted. I had gained 10lbs back over the holidays and it really bummed me out and kept me off track. I lost 5lbs of it and then kind of plateaued. Then my little brother went into the hospital in a coma last week and I gained all 5lbs back. He is doing fine now and actually at home. So thankful for that. But last night after binge-ing I realized that I am sabotaging myself. Why I asked myself? Well I am towards the end of a divorce. We had been married for 15yrs together 17yrs. He had been having an affair for over a year and half and left me for another woman. Though this has been the hardest thing to go through in my life it is also one of the best things. I didn't realize how unhappy I was and how much he was emotionally/mentally abusing me. I am happier, looking forward to the future, planning for the future and just excited. So where does the self sabotage come in? I keep telling myself that I am not going to even think about dating until I can learn to love myself and properly take care of myself. So there is this part of me that thinks I am not worthy of love and if scared of rejection. So not only do I think I am not worthy of love I am scared of getting my heart broken again. WT$%#?! Really?! Lots of therapy will be needed I think. LOL! But realizing that I am scared and still so beaten down is a good thing. It will give me something to work on. Now I have to work even harder to fight myself. To make me realize that I am worth this. I deserve to be happy and healthy and maybe one day in love again.

Feb. Goals
1. Work on the reasons for self sabotage so I can fix them
2. Drink more water (this is so hard for me for some reason)
3. Stay on point daily and journal
4. Exercise daily even if it is only for 1/2 an hour
5. Blog daily (I can't tell you how much it has helped in the past)

Hope Feb. is good to all of you!

Produce Co-op

2011-01-18T23:49:00.000-06:00

I do a produce co-op every other week. It's $23.00 for a box of fruits and veggies and lasts our family (me, my kids and my parents) about 2 weeks. We do have to add items here and there of course. I love doing the co-op. It forces me to use veggies or fruit at every single meal. The co-op is throughout the St. Louis area with varying pick up times. Here's the link https://www.communityhelpingscoop.com/

Here is this weeks haul

New Years Resolutions

2010-12-31T15:15:00.000-06:00

So with everything I have been through this year I am ready for 2011 and some serious changes in my life. With my divorce just getting started I am looking forward be free.

Here are my resolutions in no specific order

1. Continue to exercise & eat healthy and lose 70lbs
2. Learn to drive
3. Run a 5K
4. Be more creative (this divorce crap has zapped it right out of me, got to get it back)
5. Continue to find the me that disappeared in my marriage and bring her back into the light.
I liked her
‎6. Relearn how to roller skate
7. Find more creative ways to spend time with my kids
8. For the kids and I to get our own place
9. Get enrolled back in school for art
10. Live life to the fullest with no regrets. I have had to many of these and I am done with them.she was fun!

Happy New Year to one and all! Hope 2011 brings you joy and happiness and is better than 2010!

Goals for December

2010-12-02T14:51:00.000-06:00

This is my first time doing monthly goals so I am not going to set the bar to high. Plus I have the chest cold from hell and I have asthma so it is exacerbated by it. Unfortunately for those who have had it around me, it lasts over a month. Oh boy! I am holding off doing the C25K until the chest cold is gone too as I got dizzy the one day I tried it.

1. walk my 2 miles at least 5 times a week

2. drink more water

3. track my WW points daily. (I am having such a hard time with this)

4. lose 5lbs before the first of the year

I think those are all good goals that are doable for me. If the chest cold goes away I will add the C25K in there.

Reflections Post 1

2010-11-22T15:18:00.000-06:00

Sorry I have been gone for quite a few days. I had an ucky flu bug and it really put me down.
On to reflections. This has been a rollercoaster of a few months for me. After finding out my husband had been having an affair for over a year I also found out he had not been paying the mortgage and our house got a foreclosure notice. So I had to give up two of my dogs and my vintage scooter and move in with my parents. The kids are with me so I am happy for that. They have settled in nicely. It took me a while to realize that this was a blessing in disguise. I am still extremely hurt over the betrayal, but in reality our marriage had ended years ago. I was hanging on because I was scared of being alone. I had been in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship before my husband and that man beat me down inside so bad that I literally thought no one else would ever want me. I am over 40, obese, not working due to a disability, have two kids and I felt ugly from rejection. I have realized in these past few months I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am no longer scared of being alone and realize anyone would be lucky to have me and my great kids in their life. I am in no hurry to start a relationship and instead I have been focusing on how I can make me better. So in come WW for the umptenth time in my life. For some reason though I seem to want to do it this time. I am not sure if it is because I am doing it for me or what. But it doesn't matter because I am doing it. I started the C25K program the week before and stopped due to the flu bug, but I am excited to start it up again. I am excited about exercise. I have lost 16lbs total since starting. But mostly I realized that I CAN do this! That is the most exciting part of it all!

Couch to 5K program and down two sizes

2010-11-14T17:55:00.001-06:00

Yesterday afternoon I decided to start the Couch to 5K program. I was not sure how I was going to do or if I could even get through it. Well I did. I was able to jog! Woo hoo! It was awesome and it felt great. Today I went out and did the same thing. It was a little harder today due to my legs being sore from yesterday, but I got through it. It was brutal, but I did it!

Also, yesterday I went with a friend clothes shopping. Her fave store was having a clearance sale. I hate clothes shopping. I am extremely picking. I don't wear many colors or look good in them. (Redhead with pale skin with underlying red tones and freckles). But I saw a pair of work out pants for $8.70 and I couldn't pass up a deal. I usually wear 3X and I know I have gone down in my jeans. The ones I wear normally are extremely loose. I have to wear a belt. Though some jeans I have that say they are 24's are still tight. Don't get that. Anyhoo, I tried on the 3X and it fell off me. They didn't have 2X so I tried on 1x and they fit. I wore them today. I was beyond happy! I am sure this stores sizes are off, but I will take it all the same!

New goal and thoughts on food addiction

2010-11-12T20:05:00.001-06:00

I have been walking the neighborhood trail lately during the day (2 miles) and then walking the neighborhood in the evening with a neighbor friend (2 1/2 miles). I am so excited about all this walking I am doing that I have decided to try the Couch to 5K. I am not paying for it mind you because I am one cheap lady. But I am going to see how I can do. Now I don't think it will take me 9 weeks. I expect it to take much longer as I am not in good shape and walking 2 miles is still hard on me. So I am just going to start it and see how it goes. No definite time limit until I can see what I am made of.

Then today my best friend and I had a discussion on food addiction. We talked about how we knew we had a food addiction and that we knew we would be struggling with it the rest of our lives like an alcoholic, drug addict or gambler. Someone posted on food addiction the other night. (I am sorry I don't remember who) and this is what started our discussion. It was a somber discussion to say the least. Finally saying to someone else made me realize how serious it really is for me. Food is what I turn to for stress, sadness, anger and sometimes even happiness. Food is like a celebration for me at times and it is like a dear old friend that does not judge. So now I have to come up with other things to turn to to help me deal with these emotions. I am not sure even where to begin. I checked out a book today Mindless Eating. I am hoping that will help me to jump start this process.
Anyone else feel the same way or feel they are in the same boat? What do you turn to?

Passive Aggressive behavior and stress eating

2010-11-04T17:04:00.000-05:00

Stbx is now ignoring my emails. We agreed upon contact only through email since it was easier mentally on me. He asked for a list of what I wanted before we went to court and I gave it to him. I know he didn't like it though. I was fair. I only asked for what is due to me. So he is doing his passive aggressive thing trying to make me mad so I will act out and be the bad guy. I am to the point where I no longer want to bother with mediation. He left me in a house with a foreclosure notice on it, with no gas (needed for our stove) and for another woman. Do you really think a judge is going to side with him and not give me my fair share? I don't think so. I will get what I am due. So all of this has me stress eating. I am eating at night after I have brushed my teeth and laid down. I am getting up in to eat. I am trying hard to curb this or at least have a healthier choice, but I am failing at this. I will be so glad when this divorce is over and I can move on with my life and have everything spelled out to do with the kids in a court document. That will definitely make the stress go away.

Halloween Candy and the scary repercussions

2010-11-02T12:41:00.000-05:00

I don't know about you but my kids got a butt load of candy. My daughter more than her brother as she went a little longer then him and he has already eaten almost all of his. Having the candy around is hard. I am a chocoholic and an emotional eater. I usually turn to chocolate to. And now that I am going through this emotional roller coaster of a divorce I turn to it quite often.
So I am trying hard to figure in at least one fun size chocolate bar a day so I don't over do it. Yesterday I did not do so well. Yeah I had 5 fun size chocolate bars. I was within my points, but really...5???!!! I found a great website with points. So try to enjoy the chocolate within reason.

Walking and 2lbs more down

2010-10-17T13:53:00.000-05:00

Well I am down 2 more lbs. I am so stoked. I have started walking about 2 miles daily with some neighbor ladies and the one neighbors dog. I miss my dogs terribly so it is nice to have a dog to walk with and pet. The neighbors are extremely nice and it is nice for me to have someone to walk with. It makes it go much faster. Now I need to get to the Y so I can start using the weights. I'd love to look back at this blog in a year and see that I have lost 80 or more pounds. I am not going to stress over it if it doesn't happen, but it really feels this time that I am getting it. I am not stress eating and my appetite is becoming normal. I am making healthy food choices and I am eating regular size portions. I know I have to exercise too for this all to happen and I get that. I am not excited about it, but I do get it.

I picked up a brand new, in the package pedometer at the local Goodwill thrift store the other day. Now I just need to figure out how to use it. It has many functions and I just haven't sat down to read the manual. Eventually I will. LOL!

I also ordered a box of produce from a local co-op. You don't know what you get until you pick it up. A friend of mine does it and she likes it. Since we are all trying to eat more produce I thought we would try it a couple of weeks and see if we like it. It comes in Tuesday so I will keep the blog updated on it.

1 month and 10lbs down

2010-10-13T15:19:00.002-05:00

So I didn't realize it but it has been 1 month since I started Weight Watchers again and I have lost 10lbs. This is beyond great! I was actually down for almost 10 days with no exercise of any kind and about 5 days spent in bed due to a pinched nerve in my back. I was not eating healthy then and it took me a while to get back on track. So Yay! me! LOL!

I still find it hard to exercise. I have not really found any exercise that I enjoy. I bought a pair of roller skates thinking I could try that. Well I got on those suckers and I was scared to death. I did not remember how to roller skate and where I live is all hilly so I was not on them long. I think maybe I will try the roller skating rink here at our local YMCA for awile where I can hold the bar first and build myself up. I have not given up. I secretly want to join the local roller derby so I have to at least prove to myself that I can skate as well as I did when I was a child.

Funny, but not really and Weight Watchers again

2010-09-14T13:27:00.000-05:00

So a lot has happened since my last post. Found out my husband had been cheating on my with his old HS sweetheart. He got her to move from Leavenworth KS to here. Two weeks after I initially asked for a divorce he decided to take our kids over to meet her. That's when I found out. He had no plans on telling me of course and why is it that I was the one that had to ask for the divorce? Ugh! I was going to stay in our house with our kids until we got a foreclosure notice. Yeah, he hadn't been paying the mortgage. I knew we were behind, but not that far behind. There was no cause for it other than he was done paying for the house. The kids and I moved in with my mom. I had to sell my vintage Vespa scooter, I had put two dogs I loved up for adoption. I lost my sense of security and my dignity all in one fell swoop. Thanks asshole!

Since being at my mom's and trying to get my and the kids lives back together I have decided to start Weight Watchers again. I am not comfortable in my own skin. I need to get my health on track and my weight to a healthy manageable weight. So today is the first day. Wish me luck!

Weird day and a lot of self pity

2010-05-31T22:18:00.000-05:00

Today was weird for me. My husband of 17yrs and I are splitting up. We plan to divorce as soon as we can afford it and we can both afford to live separately. It is a mutual and amicable, but it still hurts. Deeply! Part of me is looking forward to my new life and the other part is mourning for the old life and wishing he would deem me worthy of trying harder to work it out.
So in the mean time we are living together. He is sleeping on the couch, but he is my ride everywhere including to a BBQ at a friends house today. We went together with the kids. I didn't know a lot of people and the people I did know my soon to be ex was talking to so I kind of hung around them. I didn't know if he felt awkward too talking to these people next to me as if nothing is going on, when one of the biggest events in our life is right around the corner. It felt weird that not a lot of people know yet and treated us as if nothing is going on. I don't blame them. Not everyone knows and we want to be friends and be able to go to functions like this and get along like this, but it was just strange. I am sure it will get easier. And then I looked around at all the people there. Mostly couples. Mostly married. Then I thought how most of our friends are married. So I am going to be sticking out like a sore thumb at events like this once the divorce is final. Am I going to be able to handle seeing him at events like this and what happens once we start dating again. If that even happens for me. I'm 41, I'm overweight, I don't feel pretty or smart. I have social anxiety and often feel like I am saying or doing the wrong thing, plus I'm a Sci-fi/art nerd. WTF am I going to do? I don't want to jump into something right away, but I don't want to be alone the rest of my life either. This all sucks big time and I would like to wake up and have a perfect marriage and be able to make my husband happy and vice versa. And not be thinking about the impending doom of a divorce.

Started my walk to Mordor and my thoughts on calories

2010-05-17T22:51:00.000-05:00

Started my walk to Mordor today. Logged 3 miles on the treadmill. It only took me 62 minutes. Ugh! I feel like everything is going so slow. I feel like I should be doing so much more for my weight loss, but in reality I am doing lots. The exercise I need to work on, but diet wise I am eating so healthy (mostly), but portions were the biggest problem for me.

I started on Sparkspeople.com and you can figure how many calories you need to eat per day to lose weight. Well I started around 1756 and then I lowered it to 1200 calories because that's what the Biggest Losers female players eat. Not that I expect to lose weight like them, but because it is being done by people as big as me to lose weight safely. Well that's crazy for me. I can't even begin to add up the amount of calories I used to eat in a day, but I can tell you that it was way more than a regular person with a healthy weight is supposed to eat. So at 1200 calories I was still hungry and not making the best choices. I wasn't getting all my fruits, veggies and protein in. So I upped my calories to 1800. I can eat lower as long as I don't go below 1200. I am going to try that for a few weeks to get used to eating probably more than half of what I am used to. Food right now is all I think about. Dieting and losing weight. It has become an obsession. I need to find a way to reel it back, but I am so scared of failing again. I have failed so many times. Ugh! It doesn't help that we don't have the best choices in the house or enough variety. We just don't have the money to have lots of variety. We are doing okay with the main meals, but I am just not getting enough of what I should be having. I hope to go to our local farmer's market this weekend and get some fruit & veggies. Let's hope that helps!

Walking to Mordor and back

2010-05-16T19:40:00.000-05:00

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy is one of my favorites of movies. I think Peter Jackson did an awesome job all around. I have them on DVD and every once in a while I will pop them in one at a time or one after the other. Last Saturday night I enjoyed The Fellowship of the Ring with a six pack of beer and didn't make it to the end. So I started watching early this Saturday starting where I left off with the Fellowship and then continuing on through them all. I really do love them! So anyways a while back I saw a walking challenge. It was a way for us nerdy Lord of the Rings fans to get fit and walk. Basically you walk the equivalent of 1656 miles or what it would of took for Frodo & Sam to walk from the Shire to Mordor and then from Minas Tirth back to the Shire. You start out doing little goals like the first day Frodo & Sam set out they walked 18 miles. Or from Hobbiton to Rivendell is 458 miles, etc. You can find all the info here and you can actually go to the tools page and then under Find Your Location In Middle Earth and you can look up where you are in Middle Earth. Fun right?! I don't have a pedometer so I am going to have to guesstimate my mileage until I get one. I will definitely clock my mileage on the treadmill though. Hopefully this will help to get my butt moving.

Struggling

2010-05-11T15:04:00.000-05:00

Here I am struggling yet again. I have set up goals for myself that I think are pretty reasonable and I am not doing a damn thing. I am in a rut of sorts. I am just feeling BLAH!. I'm not depressed but I am not happy either. I feel like I need something to jump start me. What a I really need is a good kick in the butt! LOL!

I was reading a weight lose blog today and the person was slightly upset at first that she didn't finish her goals that she set for herself in the amount of time she had set. But then she looked back at what she had accomplished and she felt good about that. So today I am going to try that.

What I have accomplished recently

1. eating healthy foods daily, including whole grains, fresh fruit, veggies, less meat and trying to stay away from boxed and processed foods.

2. no sugar in the house (other than my Mother's day chocolate). The kids have a few sugary things, cereal now and then. Daughter's fruit cups in light syrup and her yogurt for her lunch. I however do not eat these. I do however eat peanut butter sandwiches or peanut butter apples from time to time. Need to find a healthier alternative.

3. As of today I am out of Sweet N Low and I am going to try to drink my tea without it. I know it's not bad for me as far as calories, but the other health risks are there.

4. my house is picked up and the dishes are not piling up. This has been a serious problem for me in the past so I have come a long way here! Woo hoo!

I can't think of anything else right now, but it's okay. I will feel proud about these things.

4.

Goal tips day 3 and daily goals

2010-05-09T23:22:00.000-05:00

So I decided to add some simple every day goals to the routine. Hoping maybe that would help with the bigger goals. Stepping stones if you will.

1. Do at least 15mins of physical activity
2. If hungry ask yourself if you are really hungry, or bored, etc. Drink full glass of water or water bottle wait 10 mins and if hungry then eat.
3. Try to eat just at breakfast, lunch, snack (fruit or veggies), dinner, after dinner snack of popcorn or fruit
4. Drink more water, keep water bottle with you at all times
5. Try taking smaller portions of food first and if still hungry then you can go back for more.
6. Chew each bite at least 20 times. Think about what you are eating and try to enjoy it.
7. Relax. When stress starts to come on, sit back take deep breaths and calm down. Don't head for the food.
8. Try to come up with one creative idea a day. Write it down. You don't have to execute it, but be sure to put it away for further use.

Goal tips for Day 3
Post your written
goals in places
where you'll see them
often—on your
computer or fridge, in a
picture frame on your
desk, as a bookmark,
and in your wallet.
These reminders will
help you stay focused
and on track.

Goal tips day 2

2010-05-05T13:54:00.000-05:00

Here is the tip for the second day in 30 days of tips.
Are your goals
specific and
positive? Rather than
vowing "to exercise" for
example, reword each
goal so that it is clear
and measurable

I think my goals are pretty clear cut for me. I will have to try and live them for a week or so before deciding. I have not done my goals at all since I posted them. Motivation is still lacking and I am drained both physically and emotionally lately.

Nothing kind of day

2010-04-28T17:05:00.000-05:00

After setting all those goals and getting excited about it. I did nothing today. I went back to bed after the kids went off to school and slept a large majority of the day. I have done that all this week. I am staying up late and the cycle continues. I am going out of town this weekend so I am hoping that a change of scenery will refresh me when I get back.
I'm not going to continue the tips until I get back.

Setting Goals and Getting Motivated

2010-04-27T14:34:00.000-05:00

I am lacking seriously in the motivation dept. I have asked friends for ideas and tips and I have gotten some great ideas. I was doing really good. Two weeks ago I did some kind of exercise every day and I was at least keeping up with the house and laundry. Far from spotless, but something every day is good for me. Awhile back I even set up a cleaning schedule and while I was sticking to it, it worked wonderfully. I really hate how I let little things trip me up and I let everything around fall apart. Someone sent me a link to a really great goal setting tool. It gives you a tip each day to help you set your goal and follow through. I am going to try it. It can't hurt. So what goals do I want to work on.

1. exercise in some way every day; Even if it is a walk around the block. I need to get moving.

2. eat healthier; I have already been doing this and have come a long way. But I can do better.

3. Stick to my cleaning schedule; I took the time to create and really think it over. So now I need to stick to it.

4. Stick to the punishment system with my children; A big part of my stress is my kids. Their lack of listening skills, the whining, the fighting, they don't pick up after themselves thus giving me more to do around the house.

5. Try to craft at least once a week; I love being creative and it gives me a reprieve from everyday life.

6. Try to clean craft room for 1/2 hour a day; Not too long, but long enough to do something and make even the smallest of dents.

Here is the tip for day one.
If you haven't yet
settled on your top
goals, do so
today. Writing down
your goals (in specific
terms) means you're
more likely to achieve
them.

Dragging Ass this week and Food Inc.

2010-04-22T14:16:00.000-05:00

I have not worked out at all since Friday's belly dancing class. I am in a lull. I sleep late both Saturday and Sunday and then I didn't want to do shit. I mean it. It's been the same since then. I tried to walk the the puppy and the momma dog on Tuesday and I didn't get very far. The puppy really is not ready for long walks and the momma dog is just not used to being walked. It was not fun. I tried getting on our treadmill at home and did a total of 15 minutes while watching Biggest Loser. Our treadmill sucks compared to the gym and I couldn't adjust the incline at all. I am really stressed though and I just want to sleep. Depressed a little? Yeah, most definitely. I am the CEO of this household and I hate it! I hate being the one who does everything. I do everything other than go to a job every day. I am the dog trainer, the secretary, the cleaning service, the laundry service, the cook, the warden of the children (Yes, I do mean warden as I am the one that sentences them to time out and then executes the punishment), the accountant, the tutor and so much more. It's hard! I struggle so much with all of it and then I stress myself out. Why I don't go exercise I don't know as it makes me feel good to do it and it actually puts me in a good mood. Ugh! Tonight! I promise to go tonight!!!

Last night I watched Food Inc. If you have not seen this documentary you must! I was shocked to learn what goes into some of our food and how some of the food we eat is treated before it gets to us. It made me want to become a vegetarian. I don't know when I will eat meat again. It's going to have to be grass fed, free range before I will touch it. Fish I might try again as I don't think it is treated like the chickens, pigs and cows are. But that is something I am going to look into. It was eye opening for sure. I think every American should see it. We really have lost touch with how our food gets to our tables. Wow!

Exercise, good moods and my new mantra

2010-04-14T14:09:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been an exercising fool! Kids and I have been biking to the Y. I have been doing the treadmill & either my legs or arms on the weight machines, switching off days. I started my Zumba class today which totally rocked. I stumbled quite a bit and had to take it easy a lot, but I got through a 55 minute class. Woo hoo! I was supposed to start Women on Weights yesterday, but ended up with a headache. It's two days a week so I will start it tomorrow. Friday Belly Dancing starts. I'm loving it though. It's best when I go in the a.m. as it seems to energize me and leave me in a great mood. The kids seem to be liking it too. I have to say I feel like it has all started to click with me. Partially I believe because of something my psychologist and I have been working on. I won't go into details about it, but basically it has to do with me feeling like I deserve this time to do this. When you become a mom you tend to get lost in the shuffle as a person. You become a mom and the you who was there before kind of fades to the background. I have been living with so much guilt as a mom over my Bipolar depression and my failures as a mother and wife that I haven't allowed myself to get over those things and move on. I've lived in a limbo of regrets, failures, guilt, and sorrow that I let it overwhelm me and become my life. I finally feel like I can move on from all that. I will never forget, because I need to remember that past so I never go back there again. I've realized that I am worth taking care of. I have to take care of myself not only for my kids and husband, but for myself. I deserve the best possible life I can give myself and by doing so I will be giving the best to my kids and husband. I watched Biggest Loser last night and I get caught up in it every season. I find contestants that I root for and/or resonate with me. Every week as a contestant comes face to face with why they are overweight. I understand maybe a lot or a little of where they are coming from, but last night when Sam had a talk with Vicki who was struggling with finding out what her issue was. Sam said something that floored me. He said to her "You are the most important person in your life.". Seriously that is my new mantra. I am going to chant that all the time to myself either out loud or in my head multiple times a day. By being the most important thing in your own life, you allow yourself to be a better person for those around you. Thank you Sam!!!

Ugly realizations

2010-03-17T21:01:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in my craft room looking at the mess that it is realizing I have done so much, but yet have so far to go and I am in tears. That's right tears. Partially because here I am a SAHM with school age children who SHOULD have a clean house. Who SHOULD be treating her craft/art business, like a business and working on it at least three days a week if not five. I recently opted out of a craft show that I really wanted to do because I realized that I did not have enough inventory and that I would spend a month doing nothing but crafting while my house fell to the wayside of clutter, messiness, dirt and junk. I've done it so many times in the past and I realize that a huge part of my depression and stress is that I have not yet figured out how to manage my own life and that of my family. I was doing good last month. I had created a cleaning schedule. I had room assigned to each day and though I was being lenient and not strictly sticking to my schedule I was doing good. Then the pinched nerve in my back acted up and I was down for almost 5 days on muscle relaxers. Not a lot got done. Then I started having stomach spasms that I ended up in the ER for. The dr.'s at first thought it was my gallbladder and well no. So I was sent home with basically the same stuff they give people for IBS. It works. But I had some kind of stomach flu and then a cough that I ended up on antibiotics and prednisone for that is still lingering. My house is not in ruins. It is picked up, but there are dirty dishes in the sink because the kitchen plumbing is acting up and I can't do a full load at a time. The laundry is of course piled up and all the rooms could use a good dusting & mopping. But in the mean time I am stressed. The kids are on spring break this week and we have not done one thing yet but sleep in. We had plans to go the Dogtown St. Patrick's day parade, but Rowan came down with a fever. So why do I feel like I can be on vacation this week? I have some how given myself the week off yet I am stressing over it. Ugh! Here I go back again to how important schedules and routines are for me. I need organization. I need structure or else I become a stressed out mess. Why? I think maybe the need for control in my life. Right now I don't bring home the bacon or any bacon for that matter and I feel guilty over it. I don't feel in control of my emotions sometimes. I cry at commercials for Pete's sake. I don't feel in control of my life. I feel like I am relying on someone else and they are at the wheel and I don't have much of a say. I know that is not the whole truth, but how I allow the situation to be because I feel so much guilt over what I don't do that I don't see how much I do actually do. Wow! Big realization right. It's funny how blogging becomes a stream of consciousness and things come out you might not of been expecting. I will have to bring this up in therapy this week. LOL!

Lists, excel spreadsheets, graphs, routines, schedules, etc.

2010-02-24T20:28:00.000-06:00

I realized today I work so much better with a schedule, lists, graphs, etc. My son didn't have any school uniforms clean this a.m. I had asked him to get three school outfits together on Sunday night and get them washed. Well he washed two. So he started some laundry and hubby was going to take him into school. Which was fine I woke up with a headache and wanted to sleep in. Well we all slept in. We didn't get up until 9:30a.m. Kids didn't get to school until almost 11:00a.m. and I missed my work out time that my hubby and I have been trying to do. I then had to go to Walgreens to get my inhaler as I was completely out and exercise of any kind sets off my asthma and since I am obese and out of shape all physical activity sets it off.
Ugh! I did start on housework when I got home and dinner was easy, but it was not want I wanted to do today. Oh well!

It seems I love my chore lists. I set up a chore list for each day and one for daily chores with details on what chore needs to be done, how long it takes, etc. It's wonderful! I gave the kids the option of choosing 3 chores each, each day that they will be responsible for that they will continue to do for one week then they can trade off if they want. My kids really have it easy and really could start doing more around the house. It will help me and be good for them.

Yesterday we walked to the Y. It took us about 25minutes. It was cold, but it was good for all of us. The pool area there is awesome and the kids love it. I should of worked out first and then joined them and will do that from now on. So we are going to try and go on Tuesday, Thursday, Fridays and at least one weekend day.
So we all get a little exercise. I am going to try and take the bellydancing class again too. I really loved it last time and it is fun on top of being good exercise. I would eventually like to do the Zumba class too. I think right now I am just to out of shape for it. I think it would probably give me a heart attack at this point. I will get there though.

We started seeing our old Psychologist again. I really want to get over my fear of driving. This man will help me do it. He is truly amazing and I am so glad our insurance is letting us see him. If I can drive it will mean so much to me. There is so much I can't do know that would make it easier on my husband. Plus come summer I want to be able to just take off with the kids and go camping or somewhere, anywhere for the day. Not to mention my craft shows, craft meetings, craigslist finds, etc. Wish me luck!

I really hate trying on swimsuits!!!

2010-02-19T14:59:00.000-06:00

I went to Target today to try on swimsuits in hopes that I might find something to replace the swim-dress that I love. I found two tankini tops that were kind of cute, found a cute swim skirt and proceeded to the changing rooms. OMG! My tummy was hanging out of both of them. They fit great in the chest, but I don't want my snow white, cellulite, stretch marked belly hanging out. If I was going to do that wouldn't I just buy a two piece. The skirt was okay, but really it could of been longer for my taste. Well I left Target without a swimsuit and proceeded to Fashion Bug and Lane Bryant across the street. Fashion Bug Plus did not have their swim suits in yet. I don't blame them it is only February. The Lane Bryant I was out does not carry swimsuits I had to go to another location. WTF??? Oh well! I am going to try Torrid and the Lane Bryant that does stock them this weekend. Otherwise I might have to buy one of ebay as I have done in the past.

40 mins hurts.

2010-02-18T20:02:00.000-06:00

Today was the first day I went to the new Y. It is really nice. I really like the tv's on the treadmill. I did 40 minutes on the treadmill walking at a pretty normal pace and I hurt. My thighs hurt as does my back. I will live though. So tomorrow I am going to try and find a new swimsuit so I can actually go swimming with the kids. Should be fun! (NOT!) And I think I actually have lost some weight without trying. My new meds seem to control my bingeing and I actually know when I am full. Something I am trying to be more mindful of also. Whatever it is I have lost some weight without trying. Unless the scale at the Y is off. Could be. But I feel better about my eating. Coming up with better meal ideas is next. We have been dragging ass on this one. Hubby did buy steelcut oats I am going to try that for breakfast tomorrow. It is cooking now. Oatmeal doesn't usually agree with my stomach so we will see how it goes. Hubby also bought flax seed so I am looking into putting that into our diet. We have been getting whole grain or wheat bread too. We are getting there.

We joined the YMCA again

2010-02-06T11:25:00.000-06:00

Well we toured our local YMCA yesterday and then promptly joined. I don't believe google maps. I think it is less than a mile away. It is a really nice facility. It just opened in late last year. It has an indoor water park and an outdoor water park. You do have to pay extra for the outdoor water park, but it is not much and totally worth it. The kids were ready to go back on Friday night, but hubby worked that night and it snowed and rained. I was not going to walk in the snow and/or rain to take them swimming. Kids are trying to talk him into it today.
I plan to start on Monday. Hoping hubby will start going in the a.m. again like we did before.
Of course our 13yr old wants to go and he can actually use the equipment now so I might have to go in the evening for him. We will figure it all out eventually.

I have found that I am eating less lately and not binge eating. I really think it is due to the fact that my medication seems to be working. I am still not eating the healthiest foods I could be putting in my body. But we still have not made it to the grocery store. The fact that we were able to live off what we had in the house though speaks volumes to my state of mind too. Grocery store, with planned healthy menu this week!!!

Frugal healthy eating and the YMCA

2010-02-02T19:31:00.000-06:00

This year I have not stuck to my resolution of trying to eat healthy at all. Hubby is just not on board yet. He truly could just cut down on portion size and lose weight. I however can't do that. I am going to require healthy food in a slightly smaller portion size slowly dwindled down to the correct portion size or I will give up. I love to eat and I hate being hungry.

I have been perusing the internet looking for healthy frugal recipes. Why frugal? Well money is tight since I left my job and we would like to join our local YMCA again. If we cut back on portion sizes and eat frugally we should be able to swing it. Our local Y has a indoor water park and it is brand spanking new with new machines and a lot more of them. We belonged to the Y last year for half of the year and we were gung ho in the beginning. Then our interest waned, I quit my job and it was pointless to pay for something we were not using. So let's see if we can make it stick this time around. My kids are really excited about the water park as am I. Best of all we can walk to it. We could walk to the old one but this one is a little closer. In fact it is only a mile away. So we hope to take a tour this week and decide.

For the frugal healthy eating I am going to try to make a dinner menu at least off of the sales ad and try to have at least one to three meatless dinners a week. Also I am going to try and use coupons again. I have done all this in the past and it worked really well. I just have to get organized to do it and get hubby on board. Organization is not my strength though. So wish me luck with this.

Letting them grow up and regrets

2010-01-26T09:19:00.001-06:00

Today was really hard for me to put my daughter on the bus. I watched the bus drive away and I wished like hell that she was here with me and that she didn't have to go to school. I have a friend who homeschools and I think she is a saint or Wonder Woman. For a few reasons. 1. I love my kids but 24 hours with no break might break me. 2. It takes mega organization to do it and 3. I am often stumped when they bring home homework. I have to look it up online. I am not a natural teacher when it comes to school work. Art I could do, but not reading, writing and arithmetic. But today I did wish I homeschooled or that she was still young enough that she didn't have to go to school. I wished that for both of them. I miss them when they were young terribly. They are growing up and needing me less and less and that sucks because one day they are not going to be living with me anymore and they will have their own lives and who knows how often I will see them and if they will want to be around me even.

I've been an ogre the last couple of days. I am trying like hell to get my house clean and I am riding their butts about putting stuff away and I realized last night that all that yelling and screaming I am doing at them I am really mad at myself. I am mad that I failed them. I am mad that I did not teach them the proper skills or respect that they would automatically put the trash where it belongs, clothes in the hamper, dishes in the sink, etc. You say all kids are like that. Well I have seen my kids open a piece of cheese and simple throw the wrapper to the floor. Why wouldn't they. My house is always a mess. There are always piles of laundry, stacks of dirty dishes, toys covering the floor, trash to be taken out. I haven't had friends over in years because I just can't get it together. I am also mad at their dad. This is supposed to be a partnership. Why is all the child rearing and lessons left to me? Because it is and it sucks! I suck at this! I need help!!!! I am tired of being the screaming ogre because it doesn't give me any time to be the fun mom. The mom who plays a board game with her kids or does a craft project or just plays for that matter. With a house so messy we can't have friends over and my extreme ogreness what will they remember about me when they get older? They are growing up so fast and time is running out. I need to get my act together today. Lord know I am trying. I am, but I don't know if is going to be enough. I am a SAHM. I should be able to do this. How do other moms do it? How do working moms do it or single moms? I hope that if I continue to be an ogre for a while the automatic thoughts of "I should put the trash in the trash can, clothes in the hamper, dishes in the sink, etc." will kick in. And I can turn into the beautiful fun mommy again. I am going to try very hard to not yell or scream. I am going to try and ask nicely and not lose it. It's hard because my son will ignore me. Like if he pretends he doesn't hear me I will go away. I never do. I just get pissed. Ugh!

Truthfully I need a better therapist. My current one we are just not clicking and he is really not helping me at all. I miss my old psychologist, but he is not on our plan. Last therapy appt. he was all over the place and it was like he had ADD or something. It kind of pissed me off. I am going to try and find another one because I am not paying to come out of my therapy appt. confused and pissed. And the support group I thought I found fell through read the last post. I won't give up looking for one though.

So in the meantime I wish my babies were still that babies. I wish they were young again and I could do it all over, but right this time. Instead I will try and fix it now and hope when they grow up they forgive me for not being the best mom I could be.

The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance of St. Louis can kiss my ass!!

2010-01-20T21:44:00.000-06:00

Yeah so I was all geared up today to go to my first Depression and Bipolar Support Group at the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. The Mental Health Association gave me their number last week and I called and was told that they would be having a meeting on Wed. at 1pm. Awesome! And it was in the city and I could catch ONE, that is ONE bus to get to it. So I was excited!
Well I called today before I left to make sure I had the day and time right as this medication affects my memory both short term and long term. Well whoever answered the phones today said that indeed it was going on at 1pm. I also asked for the address to make sure I had it right.

WELL............ I hope my happy ass on the ONE bus I needed to get there and get to the address and lo and behold it is not there. So I call them and the chick that answers the phone tells me they are not having a support meeting there and they never hold them there. They are having a staff meeting at 1pm. WTF????? Needless to say I am pissed. Plus I am 4 blocks off the address I need to be at, not that it matters. Well I tell her that I have called twice and both times I was told that they were to have a meeting at 1pm on Weds. Well I have never been to a Depression and Bipolar Support Group meeting before. I assume they are like AA meetings and that they happen each week. Well she asks who I talked to and I have no idea. So I tell her who the person on the phone said was leading the group and she transfers me to him. Well after being on hold for awhile I talk to this man and explain everything I just did to the first person on the phone (the chick) and he says "Hey lady, don't kill the messenger" WTF kind of answer is that. No apology. NO let me find a meeting for you or direct you to someone who can, nothing. Needless to say I am beyond pissed. So I have given up talking to this man and hang up. Not to mention that I email the contact number on their website two weeks ago and never got a response. I am not dealing with the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance of St. Louis ever again and I will tell anyone who asks about my story. How is a non-profit like this still operating when they can't seem to get their heads out of their asses and serve the people they are supposed to be helping?????!!!!!

Let's try that again

2010-01-13T20:27:00.000-06:00

Had Psych Dr. appt. today. I was ready for a change in my script. I explained how I had been extremely irritable, weepy and then depressed and how I have cycled out of the depression and am in an up cycle. So instead of going up on my meds or changing one of them she wants me to try the extended release for a month. Dr. even called pharmacy to make sure my insurance covered it. They said they did, but later on they called to say there was a delay in my Rx. Ugh! Let's hope it was just they don't carry that or were out of the med. And let's hope that this works.

I got a great night's sleep last night. Of course the pups woke me up at 5:15am and I couldn't go back to sleep. That's okay I will be tired for tonight. I got a lot done today though. I made HUGE strides on the craft room. I did realize though that I will need to take over even more of the basement. That's okay though, my hubby has the garage so I can take 1/2 the basement, right?! LOL!

I am still having trouble with the color down here. It is truly Retro Mint green. It's really yucky! I have 50's pink metal cabinets in the space with a 50's countertop of white with pink, mint green and gray boomerangs. I am trying hard to work with the mint green as I can't afford to paint my whole basement. It truly is bad though. Lowe's has a tool on their website where you can choose a color palette and see how it looks in a variety of rooms they have loaded. I just couldn't find a pink to go with it and grey is just so BLAH! I'll keep looking though.

Here I go again (hopefully not on my own)

2010-01-12T19:36:00.000-06:00

So every year I make the New Year's Resolution of losing weight and getting healthy.
This blog started last year as that resolution. I did good for awhile. I lost weight, was going to the Y, eating healthy, etc. But I fell off the bandwagon when I plateaued and my depression got the best of me. Needless to say I am still overweight and still eating poorly. My portion sizes are at least for 2 adults if not 2 1/2. My food choices include chips and cookies and I hardly bake or broil our meat dishes like I used too. It seems easier to just fry or saute them in oil on the stove top. I am looking into a George Foreman grill again, because they are wonderful, easy to use and easy to clean up. (Our last one given to us by a friend the top broke off and I was worried about electrical issues.)

My weight is back where it was when I started out last year. My cholsterol however is high and the Dr. wants to put me on meds for it. My sugar is also borderline. Along with the history of mental illness in both sides of my family, we have diabetes, heart disease, gout, and so much more. I need to get my ass in gear or I am going to be miserable and die a lot younger than I want to.

The Bipolar depression is still not under control. I have a Psych Dr. appt. tomorrow and hope to change and try a new med yet again. I know it's not an easy fix, but it is so frustrating! I have not yet found a support group in the area that I can get to easily. See I don't drive. I have a terrible phobia. One I know I need to fix. So I either rely on hubby or I bus it. I hate our cities transit system. It needs much improvement. It shouldn't take me two hours to get to someplace that is 20 minutes from my house. Not to mention two buses and the Metro. So I will have to deal with online support groups and my therapist for now. I am still looking into the support group thing as there has to be one out there for me. I am not giving up hope on that yet. I know it would help me tremendously to be around others who have Bipolar because unless you have a mental illness, it is extremely hard to understand.

So this is again a new beginning for me. Starting all over again. This year's resolutions are

1. Get a hold of my Bipolar Depression. (By this I mean I do all in my power so this illness becomes just an illness and not what defines me. Be proactive in my search for meds that will work. Continue to see my therapist. Participate in online support groups and continue to try and find a local support group. Read on coping skills, meditation and practice these skills.)

2. Get my craft room organized (I am on my way there already)

3. Get my craft business organized (This is the paper work aspect, the online promotions in forums, etc.)

4. Start eating healthy. (Not just a diet, but healthy choices)

5. Exercise. (I am on lazy fat ass. The only exercise I get is walking my daughter to her bus stop each morning and picking her up. I get winded going upstairs and need to us my inhaler. That is NOT good!)

6. Get control of my house. (My house on any given day looks like a tornado of toys, dirty clothes, dirty dishes, craft supplies, etc. So my goal is to de-clutter I have to much crap, organize what I have, a place for everything and everything in its place and come up with some kind of cleaning regime that I can keep up with. Oh and teaching my children and hubby to tidy up after themselves. Ugh!)

7. THE HARDEST OF THEM ALL; Learn to drive. (I know that my depression, my life, my hubby's life and my children's life is all made harder by the fact that I can't drive. I rely on my hubby to do the shopping and to drive me to dr. appt.'s, etc. I would love to be able to just pack the kids up this summer on any given day and just head to a park 50 miles away for the day or go camping for a few days. I'm an independent woman and this is the hardest on my ego of all. That I have to rely on others for this.)

Okay, that's all for now. Wish me luck and stay tuned!!!

Yet another rant on how unmotivated I am

2009-07-06T20:51:00.002-05:00

I'm tired today! I had to get up for asthma study after getting 2 hours of sleep the night before, due to insomnia. Then I got a migraine and slept after getting home from asthma study and slept the whole day away. I was supposed to go work at my 2 hr a week gig and had to call it off due to the migraine.
So my house is dirty, messy and my kids and I are completely off schedule. I have no motivation to do anything. I was all gung ho earlier in the year to loose weight and I was dieting and well I completely fell off the wagon and I haven't exercised in forever. So I know part of it is I feel like crap. We are paying for a YMCA membership we don't even use and we don't have the money to do so. I am clipping coupons and then not using them and I am not taken advantage of the fact that I am home full time now. I feel like a failure. This is a reoccurring theme in my life. Part of me thinks I expect to fail so I just kind of don't try. I tried making a list or schedule of sorts and I haven't stuck to it at all. So maybe after this tirade of bitching I will feel a little better and try to get back on track. God, I hope so! I can't take much more of this. I am just overwhelmed I guess. I need to step back again and be happy for the little steps and little things and stop looking at the big picture and freaking out. Ugh! Okay, I can do this! Tomorrow is another day and I am going to try this again! LOL!

Did I make the right decision?

2009-06-23T12:45:00.000-05:00

So I finally quit my part time job to try and fulfill my career as a crafting folk artist. I have been making money at it for a couple of years and though if I had time to do more maybe I could make more. I knew going into this that I would not make what I made at my old job, but the last few craft shows I have done I have made next to nothing. This makes me question my decision and my talent. Maybe my stuff really is not that good and maybe this was the wrong decision.
Money is tight! Beyond tight! I don't know how we are going to pay certain bills, but then my husband went to a scooter rally this weekend and I bought a $35.00 pizza. WTF are we thinking? I guess we are both trying to ignore the situation we are in. He could go get another job on the days he doesn't work as his work cut his hours and he is lucky to get three days a week. But he won't! And I absolutely refuse to go back to work! I am going to keep trying this craft thing and hope that I can do this. I haven't been able to get much done either. Since the kids have been off of school we don't have a schedule and well I suck without a schedule of some kind. My house was clean the first few weeks of being home and now it is a complete pig sty again. I want to do nothing but read, watch tv or eat and ignore it. I have had bad migraines a few days again and those just put me down for the day and bring me down too. It sucks to not be able to do anything for a day, due to a migraine. Maybe the migraines are partially stress because I was doing okay, not getting as many. Makes me wonder where they come from. I really think stress is a major reason! In fact I have a headache now. Great! I am going to lay down.

In a mental rut

2009-04-02T11:42:00.002-05:00

So after many days of feeling depressed and still feeling that way I did have a few revelations. I do realize that in order to get my family to help around the house and do what is asked of them I have to lead by example. So basically I have to do it and then find some way to motivate them. It sucks because you would think they would know including hubby, to just put the dirty dishes in sink, clothes in hamper, etc. They know what they should be doing, they are just not doing it and neither am I so the house is pretty much a big pit of despair, trash, dirty dishes and dirty clothes. The usual it seems for quite some time. So instead of waiting for them to do it I am going to have to constantly remind them to do it and show them that I am doing it. It's weird, because I remember my mom saying to me that she shouldn't have to tell me to do the dishes. I should know that they are there and need to be done. I also remember her telling me that it made her feel like I didn't care or didn't love her. I feel the same way! I mean I know my family loves me, but I feel rejected and I feel like a failure which is not helping me at all. I have these feelings so much in my life. I am really sick of the depression and the manic phases. My manic phases are not like others manic phases. I get all psyched up about one certain thing and I will hyper focus on that one thing and everything else kind of falls to the wayside. Earlier this year it was diet and exercise, then it turned in to an upcoming craft show, then it was trying to quit my job, now it is trying to hold onto my job. It's like my mind can't process more than one big task at a time. I know new meds are in the future as I am not doing well obviously. This also frustrates me as I feel my bi-polar depression defines me. It controls my life and has made me into the snively, negative, weakling that I have become. I wasn't always this way. I know I have a vibrant, positive, happy go lucky, strong go-getter inside me. She just only seems to peek her head out enough now and then to remind me of what I am no longer. I have not given up on her though. I am going to try like all hell to get back to that person. So new meds, a therapist (which I keep talking about and fail to make an appt.), keep up with the exercise, keep up with the healthy eating (I haven't done bad with the exercise and healthy eating, but I could be doing much better), positive self talk and I am going to take an idea from a friend, she writes on her blog things she is thankful for. So a gratitude posting of sorts is in order to remind me of all the great things I have in my life and that my life though it could be better is pretty damned good! Here is my first gratitude or thankful for posting

1. My beautiful, smart, healthy children

2. the fact that my husband still finds me sexy any day or night of the week

3. I have a great job, with great people and my boss truly appreciates me and will go that extra mile for me

4. my health, though I have bi-polar depression, asthma, GERD and I am morbidly obese
it could be really bad, I can deal with all of these things

5. my home, it may be a mess and need lots of repairs, but many are losing their homes

6. my best friend, no matter what she is there for me, she puts up with all my negativity, all my whining, all my bitching and still she encourages me and offers her honest opinion

7. my close relationship with my daughter, my daughter just turned 7 last week and she still loves spending time with mom, she will cuddle up with me and watch tv, talk to me for hours, draw me incredible pictures and just fill me with a feeling of joy and love. My son I has gotten to that stage where he would rather be playing video games and doesn't have the time to tell me about his day. I do get frequent hugs and I love you's though.

8. lentil & smoked sausage soup, I kind of made up this recipe and we had it this week again in the crock pot and it is both yummy and satisfying

9. that spring is here, I love the warmer weather, the beautiful spring flowers in all their beautiful colors and scents

10. Some girl time with my daughter this weekend. My husband is going to a scooter rally for the weekend and my son is going to his grandma's. So my daughter and I will have the weekend to ourselves. I think we will have to do our nails at least.

More Ramblings

2009-03-23T19:38:00.002-05:00

So I got not one day of exercise last week. I had a craft show over the weekend and well I basically busted ass to do the craft show to make around $100.00 for a two day craft show. I was kind of sad, but I still have merchandise to sell and the show was free to do. Plus I had a sick kid so that didn't help either.

I am stressed to the hilt and know that it is my depression. It just bugs me to no end that I can' t seem to get it under control. I still want to quit my job, though I love where I work and the people I work with and really should be working. I am proud of myself for bringing food to the craftshow, though I broke down and ate a 1 oz bag of home made potato chips both days. But I did good other than that. I had a super stressful day at work today and there was a ton of junk food that a co-worker brought in, including my favorites, fritos and oreos. I however did not have any of either. Tonight I burnt the baked potato fries though and had more than one serving of smoothie. Ugh!

So it is back to exercise this week and to continue eating healthy.

Ramblings on dieting, exercise, depression and work

2009-03-18T18:04:00.002-05:00

So this weekend could of been better and truthfully I have been awful about dieting. I am eating healthy don't get me wrong, but I am not measuring, counting calories or points or logging what I eat. I went to a friends house this Sat. and did okay as far as eating some what healthier than we usually do, but I did have 5 Bacardi Mojito's and I think that kind of let me guard down as far as knowing when I am full. I ate 1 whole pork steak with BBQ sauce cooked on, 1 shrimp skewer, half sweet potato, two small half ears of corn (no butter) and a tinfoil packet with white potato, green, yellow & red peppers tossed in olive oil. So it wasn't terrible, but it was a lot of food followed up with 5 drinks. Now I don't drink often so I am not going to fret over those drinks. Well then my mom guilted me into coming over for dinner on Sunday for Corned Beef, cabbage, white potatoes, carrots and cornbread (southern heritage a few generations back). I didn't eat a ton of it, but not the leanest of meats and I had two pieces of cornbread with half glass of buttermilk (southern heritage again).
I got no exercise on Sunday, Monday or Tuesday. I am going to try to either go for a walk or at least get on the treadmill today. We will see as I am getting ready for a craft show this weekend and I have a sick kid and I have it too now. Ugh!
Then my depression has been awful. I am dreading every day that I have to go into work. Now I work for a great place, my boss is great, my co-workers are great too. I have phone job, I talk on the phone all day long to a variety of people. A lot of stupid people who I wonder how in the world they get through their daily lives and people with money who think the world should revolve around them due to the fact they have money. I get stressed at work easily lately due to having to be so damned fake and nice to these people all day long. I think part of it is I don't want to work. I have two school age children and they are at home at least and hour and a half on the days I work alone. They do not have a hot meal prepared for them when they get home unless I put something in the crock pot or if my hubby cooked it and I miss all kinds of special school functions because of this. My mom was a stay at home mom. We were poor on welfare in fact, but she was a PTA mom, a Brownie leader for my sister and a Cub Scout leader for my youngest brother. She was there for all of the special school functions, picked us up from school and we had a hot meal every night and sat at the table as a family every night. I want this for my kids, but monetarily wise it would be really tough on us. I do have a craft business that I do on the side and I do make some money at it, but if I was home full time I could do even more with my craft business. I wouldn't bring home what I do working, but I think it would be great for me and my family. Right now I can't keep my house clean to save my life, I am stressed every night after work wondering how I am going to get dinner done, make sure their is clean laundry, get the kids bathed, homework done, maybe get some house work done, try to exercise, try to plan a menu, make sure the bills are paid on time, make all the appt's for kids, hubby & me for Dr.'s, etc. And I am the only one who cleans the kitchen, does the dishes, cleans the bathroom, mops & sweeps the floor, etc. I am the one who does it all! Now to be fair my hubby does try. He works full time (except lately due to the economy he is only working three days which is really hurting us money wise), he does cook a majority of the dinners, he does get the kids up for school all 5 days and makes sure they have clean uniforms, he is the one that keeps up the yardwork (though he is about as good at it as I am with the housework, it doesn't get done like it should), the basic household maintenance is his too. So I probably get more out of him than most wives do, but truthfully if I didn't work I wouldn't mind being in charge of all the other stuff. I can't do it all and work a part time job that stresses me daily. I am not capable, though I have tried again and again and again. Then what do I do with my kids once summer comes. Well hubby doesn't go into work until 5:30pm on Mondays so he is home with them until I get home, but Tuesday and Wednesday's? I had my best friend watch them last year and she did a great job, my kids loved it, her kids loved it and I didn't have to pay her much because she is such a great friend. But truthfully I would rather be home with them. My depression has kept me from doing so much with my kids and working is too. I want every opportunity to be able to do stuff with my kids. I have missed lots of work due to migraines, my mystery stomach bug, depression, kids being sick, etc. They love me and have allowed me to continue working there, but I wonder how long that will last and truthfully I hope they give up on me soon. I can't quit. My hubby would freak! I think I would be happier and less depressed if I didn't have the stress of this all. Maybe I would then be depressed over money and how we are going to get by with out that extra income. I am sure it would cause some stress, but I am willing to see. Guess I will just be happy that I have a job at all and try and be thankful. Ugh! Easier said then done.

The wonders of exercise and the mind

2009-03-13T22:48:00.001-05:00

So I had a lousy week to begin with. I didn't get to the gym on Sunday and then the time change and I was seriously falling asleep at work on Monday. Then Tuesday I had cramps that felt like pre-labor pains. It started below my bust to around my pelvic region and wrapped all around that section of my body. I got through work, but came home and crashed. I didn't get my daughter to dance and of course felt guilty about it. My daughter, son and I all felt yucky on Wednesday and stayed home. Thursday I woke up with a headache and slept in, missing my weight class and yoga. I did go in later in the day though and felt 100 times better after. Bellydancing class was awesome yet again and I am definitely feeling it in my arms, abs, and back. It's a good thing. I felt great afterwards too. Daughter and I took the dogs for a walk to the park and back. The pitbull mix pulled me the whole way. I have yet to master the Cesar Milan dog training skills. I am trying though. Ugh!
I do have to say that I was seriously depressed early this week. But my mood was definitely lifted by the exercise. I also noticed that I am eating much less without feeling like I am starving. I am not really following a diet of sorts. I am eating as healthy as possible, eating as many fresh vegetables & fruit as possible, eating as little processed foods as possible, sticking to lean meats, fish and lots of beans, etc. I am eating regular human size portions instead of the double or triple I used too. I haven't lost anything since my 5lbs lose though so I know I need to try to an actual diet or I am not going to lose. But again I noticed I am eating a lot less and my portions are normal sized. It really feels great!
Of course hubby is cooking his butt off. He is enjoying it though. Today he made the yummiest veggie burgers with split green peas (the kind in a bag you have to cook), mushrooms, onions, spinach and some other ingredients I will need to find out what. But they were so yummy! They tasted like falafels. He got the recipe from Alton Brown/Good Eats and modified it slightly. Others on his message board said the same thing that they resembled falafels in looks and taste. I hope he makes these more often.

Little things and goals.

2009-03-07T13:37:00.003-06:00

My son had his swim class today at the Y and my hubby had a Union meeting this morning so we went alone. We ended up having to walk home, not a big deal and good for us.
Well this is this particular hill we have to walk up that usually kicks my butt and I have to stop half way and use my inhaler and rest. Well not today! It was not easy, but it was easier than in the past and no inhaler and rest stop needed. Yay! I also was able to go up to 3.3 on the treadmill. I had been doing 2.5 and slowly increasing it every time I get on it. I however did the weights today on my arms and man I have no upper body strength at all. I was a 10lbs or 20lbs at the most and that hurt. So sad. The good thing is I noticed this little improvements and that was just encouraging. Yay me!

As we were walking home I thought about my sad lack of upper body strength and how my whole life I have never been able to do a pull Littup. Never! Even when I was a tall, skinny, lanky thing in grade school or high school. So that is another goal of mine. To be able to do pull ups. I don't care what kind or how, but to be able to pull my body weight. Something else to look forward to.

Red Robin called to me and I answered. Ugh!

2009-03-07T11:13:00.002-06:00

Belly dancing class yesterday was awesome yet again! I am having trouble combining moving with the hip pops, but I will get there. I felt it in my arms, abs and back last night and I was quite sore and tired! But that's great!

We took dd to my mom's last night to spend the weekend with her. Mom is trying to do a grandkid a weekend thing. Which I think the kids love the special time with Grandma!
Anyway we were going to meet friends at this fish fry that also had lenten Mexican fare. I was all raring to go, but worried about what I was going to eat. Everything was fried! Well Red Robin's is right by my mom's and it called to me. It said come eat a Blue Ribbon burger and just not worry about food tonight. So I did eat a Blue Ribbon burger, with fries (no ketchup though) and water with lemon. It was yummy, but I hurt afterwards. I think part of it was the greasy food and the other part was eating all of it. I could of stopped almost all the way through. Of course there was the guilt of eating it when I knew damned well that I shouldn't too. And during the course of the meal my dh and I were talking food, diet, exercise and he nicely told me that if I wanted to reach my goal of losing 100 lbs in a year I needed to up my exercise. He's right I know. And I am trying and it is hard and easy at the same time. On the days I work the last thing I want to do is workout. I kind of have to on Tuesdays as we are at the Y for my daughters dance class, but Mon and Wednesday I don't want to do anything. I know it will get easier as things have, but there is that nagging thought in the back of my head that tells me I am not doing enough and I know it. But I also don't want to crash and burn. I want this to be a forever change. A new life.

I am off to the gym again. Son has his swimming class and it will give some time to do the weights. I am hoping the weather stays nice as a bike ride sounds good too.

Another reason to get healthy

2009-03-05T20:23:00.003-06:00

So my YMCA has this machine that you get on and it scans your height, takes your weight, and then does a body scan and tells you your BMI and your height, weight, and body fat percentage. Well I have 46% body fat. I am carrying around 122.5 lbs of just fat in my body. This sucks! It was like a huge wake up call. Now I have been doing good on eating healthy for the most part. I have not done the greatest on "dieting" or tracking my food and I have not exercised daily like I know I need to do.

Sparkspeople has this handy dandy food tracker where you can track your calories. I have tried that for today and yesterday. I went over my calories yesterday (suggested calories 1,600 - 1,950 daily). Now I am not sure how this is going to work for me as I am so used to Weight Watchers and how it works. I am going to give it a week or two just to see how I do. I know that it is going to be harder that is for sure. But I am not losing any weight since I lost my 5 lbs. Since then I have gone up and down, but basically stayed at the same weight. I am frustrated! I know it is not healthy to lose quickly and I realize that this really is a lifestyle change for me and my family, but that doesn't change that I need to see results to keep me going. Ugh!

So today in my weight class we worked on our arms and let me tell you I felt it and I am still feeling it. It was harder to get through some of the poses in my yoga class too. I need to do something about my asthma too. It has been much worse and the study medication I am on is not doing a damn thing for me. I have just plain old run of the mill asthma and then exercise induced asthma, well everything is making it act up.

I am looking forward to Bellydancing tomorrow too. I know it is going to work me and my instructor is nice too.

Okay off to do laundry. Yay!

Calories, fitness goals, bingeing and ugh!

2009-03-04T20:45:00.002-06:00

So Monday was a really bad day for me. I had stuff happen at work and it stressed me out more than I thought it would. I basically ate all night until it hurt so bad I really wanted to go puke. It was bad! I know I was stressed, I know why I was stressed I just chose food to try and relieve that stress and all it did was leave me disappointed in myself with a belly ache. Ugh!

Tuesday was much better though. I was still stressed, but I did not overeat. I didn't really find a way to relieve the stress though and I ended up with a migraine. Imagine that?! I didn't get to work out as I forgot to add my gym clothes to my gym bag and I was stuck there. I did however get to wade with the kids in the pool for a half and hour. I tried to get dd to swim back and forth and we kind of raced. I got some exercise, but it didn't feel like much or enough.

Today was better after the migraine was gone. I still have a dull headache, but I can live with that. I decided to look at calories and what it would take to start counting calories instead of the Weight Watchers program. I am just curious how they differ as I never really tried to count calories and I wonder if that might stop me from putting food into my mouth. I am more familiar with the Weight Watchers though so I will try this for a week and then I am going to compare. I have really been tracking either so maybe this will jump start that. I can feel some depression coming on again and I know it is partly due to the stress and I need to get re-committed to this or I will dive right back to my old ways and I just don't want to. I haven't lost anymore weight, in fact I have gone between gaining two pounds to 4 pounds and then back again. It is frustrating! I have increased my exercise and cardio, but not near enough for the weight I want to lose. So I have to get my act together now! Ugh! I would really rather be in front of the tv. Ugh!

Sat. Food, Black Bean burgers, Brussel Sprouts Recipe

2009-03-01T19:54:00.004-06:00

So yesterday after swim class we went to St. Louis Bread Company. I decided to skip the bagel and went with the Granola Yogurt Parfait and a fruit cup. Now I have had the parfait before at it is yummy, but is kind of high in calories and fat for what it is. 310 calories, 12 grams fat and 4 grams of fiber. But, it was probably a more healthy choice out of all that I had. I added the fruit cup and it was plenty filling.

***BREAKFAST
1 Granola Yogurt Parfait
1 fruit cup
1 ice tea (should of had water)
___________________________
***LUNCH
1 Progresson Split Pea & Ham soup (this was okay, but not as good as the Progresso Lentil)
1 mini whole wheat bagel
cold mint tea
__________________________
***SNACK
1 Fiber one bar
1 lemon cream pie yoplait yogurt
cold mint tea
____________________________
***DINNER
2 1/2 home made Black Bean Veggie Burgers (hubby made this from scratch and they were super yummy, I will post the recipe when I can get it out of him)

Oven baked sweet potato and regular white potato fries (these were delicious and I don't think I will really miss fried fries after having these. Hubby sliced then really thin and they really crisped up just right in the oven.)
cold mint tea
_______________________________
***LATE SNACK
1 yoplait chocolate mousse yogurt (super, duper yummy!)
2 cups skim milk

Okay, so I have noticed that I am not eating as much fruit. I am getting burnt out on the same old apples, oranges, grapes and bananas. So I am going to find a way to get creative so I can get more fruits and veggies in. I need a blender badly and might buy one this weekend. So then I can do the smoothies at least. But I am going to try dicing the fruit and putting it vanilla nonfat yogurt. I am also going to get out a smoked salmon a friend gave us a while back and try putting that on top of salad. I just find that I am not getting enough veggies and fruits in.

So today we went to the gym and I did the treadmill for 15 minutes to get warmed up and then did all the leg exercises. I definitely felt the burn. We then took the kids to the pool and I did laps on and off for the whole time we were there (45 minutes). I tried just to use my arms so as to give them a work out too. I am slightly sore, but I am tired today. I fought taking a nap all day. I have not succumbed yet and it is almost bedtime. At least I will sleep well! LOL!

Walgreens has my Fiber One bars on sale this week. Yay! I have two $1.35 off a box coupons too.

Today's food was great too!

***BREAKFAST
1 Fiber one bar
2 cups skim milk
_____________________
***LUNCH
1 black bean veggie burger on a bed of lettuce
1/4 avocado
1/4 cup pico de gallo (fresh left over from earlier in the week)
________________
***SNACK
1 apple
2 tbsps peanut butter (I have got to find a better option with fewer calories)
__________________
***DINNER
1 4 oz salmon baked in the oven with a lemon and garlic spice
brussel sprouts (These were so super yummy! I don't normally like brussel sprouts, but I would eat a ton of these. The kids loved them too and asked for seconds.)
1/4 cup Steamfresh Edamame
3/4 cup of parmesan couscous
______________________________

I haven't had a snack yet, so I may or may not have one.

Roasted Brussel Sprouts recipe slightly adapted from one I found on Veggie Venture, Thank you!

1 pkg Frozen Brussel Sprouts
2 tbsps light cooking olive oil
salt & pepper

1. Cook frozen brussel sprouts according to package directions (Ours called for 7 minutes in the microwave)

2. Drain brussel sprouts

3. toss brussel sprouts in 2tbsps light olive oil & lightly salt and pepper (if you have a sodium restriction this could be omited, but I would suggest a Mrs. Dash or something of the sort)

4. cook in roasting pan for 14 minutes at 420 degrees.

Enjoy!

Food from yesterday, Swimming, craft supplies & coupons

2009-02-28T18:03:00.002-06:00

So I didn't post my food from yesterday

***BREAKFAST
1 fiber one bar
cold mint tea
***LUNCH
1 can Progresso Lentil soup
1 salad with balsamic vinegar
cold mint tea
***DINNER
I didn't really eat dinner. We went to a friends that I craft with and our kids play.
I bought baked tositos and a yummy pineapple & mango chipolte salsa, black olives.
Plus I bought pizza rolls for the kids and a cheese, meat & cracker tray.
I had two pizza rolls and one of them tasted so crappy that I will never eat them again. I did not have any meat or crackers off the tray, but I did eat cheese. I ate quite a bit of the Baked Tositos and salsa. The baked tositos are not as bad as the fried, but they are not much better either. I can see me abusing these whenever they are around, so I will not buy this again. There has to be a better option. Maybe baked wheat tortillas. I will have to look into that. I didn't really keep track of what I ate while snacking. I need to have a day here and there where I make healthy food choices, but kind of don't worry too. This time was one of them. I will have to weigh later on done the line if this will be good for me or bad, but for now I am not going to worry.

***SNACK
1 blackberry harvest yogurt
2 slices of wheat toast with smart balance spread. (Yeah, I know I slipped back, but obviously it was because I chose to snack instead of eating a meal. Live and learn)

My son started his first swimming class today and he was moved up right away. He can float on his back, kind of swim, but was not totally comfortable with his face in the water. Well he spent most of the class with his face in the water doing the Superman glide. He likes it and now my daughter wants to do it next session too. We had planned to stay and take the kids swimming, but I read the open swim schedule wrong so we will be going back tomorrow.

So did I tell you ever that I had great friends?! Well I do! My friends house I was at yesterday gave me some beads, jewelry supplies, some micro fine glitter (her daughters actually saved this for me) and she has a huge box of flat styrofoam for me too. Yay! Then another friend of mine emailed me and she has some goodies for me from her and another friend, plus some Loteria cards from yet another friend. I am so thankful for this! Yay! I will remember them too and when I have something for them I will pass it along! In fact if I ever get down stairs to my craft area I know I have Christmas fabric for one, the outside of a vintage tan wool coat for another and pony beads for another. We craft types are good to each other.

So I spent an hour so sorting through my coupons. I have some now for a few sales at Walgreens and I am every so excited. I did not yet get the Sunday paper yet, so there might even be even more Walgreens sales with coupons goodies. Yay!

Belly dancing is AWESOME!

2009-02-27T16:08:00.002-06:00

So today was my first belly dancing class. There was supposed to be one other student and she didn't come today. So I had the instructor to myself. It rocked. Seriously!
I had so much fun, was told I was a natural and the instructor was so nice we talked for 15 minutes after class. So I got a totally awesome, fun work out and I love it!
I can see myself doing performances, way, way down the road, once I love the 100 or more I need to lose and of course take many, many, many more classes. I would suggest this class for anyone who loves to dance, wants to feel sexy and is looking for a good fun workout. Wow! Who is going to come dance with me???

So today Jeremy and I went to lunch at a restaurant we have never been to called Local Harvest Cafe. It tries to use all organic and local foods, drinks, etc. I had the warm veggie sandwich. It was yummy! It had mushrooms, squash, eggplant, carrots, artichoke hearts, mozzarella cheese and garlic ailoi. So maybe not the lowest in fat option, but certainly a healthy one. And I got the iced tea (Morrocan Mint) and they did not have any sweet n low, so I actually had it without any sweetener and I liked it. So I am going to try my tea without sweetener from now on.

They also have a their own grocery store. So I peeked in and bought some Agave Nectar as it is supposed to be a better version of sweetener than sugar or the fake stuff. I will try this in tea first and then see how to use it in other things.

I am going to a friends tonight to craft so I will post my food later.

Rosted Chick peas, food for today,

2009-02-26T22:02:00.002-06:00

So I was looking up high protein foods and found that garbanzo beans or chickpeas as they are sometimes called are very high in protein. I also saw a while back in one of my favorite blogs A Year of Crockpotting where she roasted chickpeas and they came out like corn nuts (an old favorite snack of mine). Not having the patient for the crock pot I found this one on www.allrecipes.com

ROASTED CHICKPEAS

* 1 (12 ounce) can chickpeas (garbanzo beans), drained
* 2 tablespoons olive oil
* salt (optional)
* garlic salt (optional)
* cayenne pepper (optional)

DIRECTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 450 degrees F (230 degrees C).
2. Blot chickpeas with a paper towel to dry them. In a bowl, toss chickpeas with olive oil, and season to taste with salt, garlic salt, and cayenne pepper, if using. Spread on a baking sheet, and bake for 30 to 40 minutes, until browned and crunchy. Watch carefully the last few minutes to avoid burning.

Now I ran out of paper towels so I didn't blot them and I was in such a hurry I didn't measure the oil but eyeballed it. Big mistake! I also just used my Creole Seasoning because it is basically salt, garlic and cayenne anyway. Well they came out okay. I only say that because I did use too much oil and they were really greasy and I think they need to be turned half way through and then they will be crunchy through and through (some were and they were yummy!). I am going to get more chickpeas over the weekend and try this again.

Food for the day

***BREAKFAST
1 fiber bar
1 banana
cold mint tea
__________________________________
***LUNCH
1 can progresso lentil soup (super yummy)
1 salad with greens, broccoli, carrots, snowpeas and a balsamic vinegearette dressing
cold mint tea
___________________________
***SNACK
1 fiber one bar
more mint tea
___________________________
***DINNER
2 whole wheat tortillas
lettuce
1 whole avocado
home made pico de gallo (3 roma tomatoes, 1 red onion, cilantro, lime, cumin, salt and pepper)
2 cups of Jeremy's yummy pork carnitas
lime squeezed on top

(I am especially proud of myself because in the past I would of drenched this in sour cream and cheese. I used neither of those and I must say the flavors really came through and were sooooooo yummy!)

_________________________
***LATE SNACK
1/3 cup roasted chickpeas
mint tea

I also spent some time browsing through a wonderful cookbook my friend gave me that is full of healthy recipes and then cooking light and all recipes and I found a light coconut curry dish that called for tofu and it was healthy and light. Yay! I am going to get everything needed to make this in the crock pot this week.

Food yesterday

2009-02-26T17:25:00.003-06:00

I forgot to put down what I ate yesterday and even though no one is reading this really, it still holds me accountable for all that I shove in my mouth.

***BREAKFAST
1 fiber one bar (chocolate mocha)
1 banana
1 cup mint tea
_____________________________
***LUNCH
2 cups home made chicken noodle soup (see earlier posts)
1 mini wheat bagel (plain)
1 yogurt, chocolate raspberry mousse
water
_________________________________
***SNACK
2 Strawberries
2 reduced fat triscuits
1 asian pear (OMG! these are super yummy)
1 cup mint tea
__________________________________
***DINNER
1 1/2 baked potatoes (in leftover broth from pork roast)
cold mint tea ( I Love this stuff)
_________________________________
***LATE SNACK
2 slices whole wheat bread
2 tablespoons smart balance butter/spread
2 cups oat cereal plain
1 fiber bar

Needless to say I need to make sure I am full before watching Man VS. Food. LOL!

Beautiful days, weights and protein

2009-02-26T17:09:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was beautiful! I ate lunch outside and went on a walk with my co-workers to see the baby tigers and baby leopard, plus the other big cats. I really want to invest in a good digital camera with a telephoto lens just to take pictures. It won't be any time soon, but I think it would be a great investment and fun too!

We took the dogs for a short walk last night as the streetlights were all out in our area. I am not sure why either. They came on later though.

I ate fairly healthy yesterday, but did break down and have 2 slices of wheat bread with smart balance butter/spread. Not the best choice, but healthier than white bread with butter. Now I am not usually a bread and butter eater. As I was watching yet another weight loss show, a woman on the show was telling a nutritionist that she was craving bread and butter and the nutritionist told her, her cravings were due to not getting enough protein in her diet. Wow! So that solved the mysterious cravings for me. We don't have any good meat or other things to add to salad right now. So I will keep that in mind while shopping for groceries this week.

I went to my first Women on Weights class today. It was great. We just worked on our legs this time, but the woman teaching the class is a personal trainer and there was no one there when I got there so she gave me lots of great tips, etc. while I did my warm up. Later another woman showed up and she walked us through all the leg machines, helped us with our settings, weight, reps, etc. It was great. Next we will work on the ab machines, arm machines and then to free weights. I will be able to do one class on Tuesday evenings while dd is in dance class and then on Thursday and then once I learn all the machines I am going to try to get there on Sat. or Sunday too. She told me that cardio really is the most important exercise for weight loss so I am going to try to get some in every day.

Yoga kicked my butt again, but I did find it a little easier and I think that is from the warm up I got from the weight class. Belly dancing is tomorrow morning and I am psyched. I am so excited to try this. Yay.

Hubby was off today and we went and bought new cross training tennis shoes on sale and then I ordered us each a cover and armband for our mp3 players. I have to say that I am starting to notice I have move energy lately. Sleeping at night is kind of half and half. Some nights I am sleeping great and others I can't fall asleep. I do hope that sleeping will get better too. So now I am looking up recipes for salads with high protein in them. Yay!

You are what you eat, Subway, oatmeal fiber bars, walking and sticking to a plan

2009-02-24T20:51:00.001-06:00

***BREAKFAST
1 Banana
1 Fiber one bar
1 cup mint tea
_________________
***LUNCH
6 inch long tuna salad on wheat bread with cucumber, lettuce, tomato & pickles from subway (530 calories, 31 grams of fat, I didn't see what the fiber was. Way too fattening, once I looked it up. Live and learn!)
1 bag baked lays (110 calories, 2 grams fat, 2 grams fiber)
iced tea
_______________________________
***SNACK
1 Orange
other part of the tuna salad sandwich
____________________
***Dinner
pork roast with one baked potato with smart balance, salt and pepper
______________
***LATE SNACK
1 yogurt (dulce de leche light)

So I am stuck again on the show "You are what you Eat". I love this show. I think I am in love with British television in general, but this one I do love.
Every time I watch this show I think to myself, you know what, Jillian McKeefe is right. Now I don't really know about the colonic thing. The studies on this are 50/50 mostly and well it just scares me a little. So that I could do without and I am not sure I could eat Miso soup for breakfast, but everything else food wise makes sense. I think the British lingo, accents, music and Ms. McKeefe's basic telling them like it is draws me in.

I almost bought her book online last night, but I opted to buy Jillian's 30 day shred. Now all the dieting/fitness blogs have raved about this and say it will kick your butt in to shape. Let's hope so!

I looked online last night for a healthy high fiber/low fat oatmeal bar recipe of any kind and came up with nothing. I am going to try and experiment, but until then I am going to continue to have my fiber one bars and they really are high in fiber, low in fat, filling, convenient, cures my sweet tooth and cheap with my coupons. For now I will eat the fiber bars and continue to research how to make them at home.

We walked home from the YMCA after dd dance class. It was a nice walk even though the weather is a little chilly. But after walking I realized I am not really paying enough attention to what I eat and I really need to go back to measuring properly and sticking to a diet of sorts as much as possible. We will see how it works. But I am not going to lose weight if I only eat healthy when I want to. And I will never conquer the reasons I overeat if I don't address them, instead of giving in. Ugh!

Migraines, running, coupons, post dispatch, treadmill and food

2009-02-23T20:08:00.001-06:00

So I am having a hard time with migraines/headaches and going to work. I love my job don't get me wrong. I love working for the zoo, love my co-workers and really my job is easy. I just wonder how much of me working and not being able to get my house clean, take care of my kids and my craft business due to working is causing me stress, thus causing migraines/headaches? I should be thankful to have this job as there are many people without one right now. But yet I want to be at home. I want to be able to do all I need to do at home and build up my craft business and I can't do that while working, even part time. I get mad and resentful towards my husband for not providing well enough for us that I have to work. I know it's not his fault. Somehow blogging about is kind of like therapy.

Running. So I want to run, but right now I can't even walk up a flight of stairs or down one end of our block without being out of breathe. Now I know I can get there in time, but in the mean time I want to be one of those people who runs everyday. Running just seems like it would be therapy of sorts. I like taking walks as you can look around the neighborhood, peek into peoples windows (a friend reminded me of this), enjoy the greenery and flowers, etc. But running just seems like you would be thinking and not being doing much else as you don't have time to look around. So I considered making a goal of maybe running a marathon or something and then I remembered that I fail at lots of things I make as goals and the pressure of the goal might cause me to sabotage myself. So I am going to build up my walking and then maybe when I get to jogging I will consider setting a running goal of some kind. First I need to be able to walk a block without being out of breathe. LOL! I think I might look into some charity walks, etc. That will get me moving and it could be the start to my dream of a marathon.

So we went to the grocery store yesterday and really there was not much on sale at Schnucks. We did however get two boston pork roasts as hubby made pork carnitas one night for dinner and I made a roast one night in the crock pot and both were beyond delicious. I did save $10.85 in coupons and these were all mostly items on sale too. Yay!

Now for my bitch about the St. Louis Post Dispatch. I sent hubby out last Sunday for a paper so I could get my coupons. Well when he got home there was not one coupon in there, not a one. So I figured I would complain to somebody because it is what I do best. Well I tried the phone number and couldn't get through to anyone. So then I tried looking at the website, thinking surely they have some kind of customer service email. NO! I tried emailing the website editor hoping they could forward my email to the correct person and I have yet to hear from anyone. Now I am already upset with post as they seem to be shipping some jobs overseas. I am not exactly sure what jobs, but I do know that a local car salesman pulled all his ads from the post due to this. They are also shutting down their printing here in St. Louis. I know this as my husband is a printer and he has heard from the union that there will be many people out of jobs. Now why a local newspaper would outsource their printing is beyond me. How could that possibly be beneficial? Well they have already assured that no one can contact when people find this out and get pissed since someone who purchases a paper can't complain. Ugh! I will continue to only buy the Sunday paper for now. I might quit if I can find another way to get my coupons.

And lastly I did 30 minutes on the treadmill and my legs are wobbly. That is so sad. But I got on the treadmill and each week I will increase the minutes I do.

So now what I had today. I might not be counting Weight Watchers points, but still putting it in writing at least makes me own up to what i eat.

***BREAKFAST
1 fiber one bar
1 cup mint tea
_____________________
***LUNCH
1 weight watcher lasagna (6 points)
1 garden salad with italian dressing ( 110 calories ll grams fat in the dressing)
1 key lime pie light yogurt
1 glass water
__________________
***SNACK
1 banana
1 cup mint tea
_________________
***DINNER
2 1/1 Cups home made chicken noodle soup (carrots, celery, onion, corn, lima beans, whole wheat egg noodles, chicken breast, 99% fat free chicken broth, bay leaves, salt & pepper)
water
________________
***SNACK
1 apple
popcorn (I haven't eaten this yet, but I am going to make it now)
water

I lost 5lbs, Yay!

2009-02-22T19:28:00.003-06:00

So I haven't done much of anything this week, lots of migraines, headaches, etc. Ugh!
I ate fried pork chops and take out Chinese food this week, I haven't exercised and I missed yoga this week, but somehow I lost 5lbs. We were not able to take the kids swimming on Friday night so we took them today and I weighed myself on the Y scale and it says I lost 5 more lbs. That is freaking amazing! I am so stoked! I signed up dd for dance class and I signed up again for Yoga and for Bellydancing (which I am so totally excited about). So this just spurs me on. I ate pretty good all week other than those few nights. Lots of fruit, smaller portions, lots of water and tea, lowfat yogurt, etc. Good choices mostly! But with no exercise I still lost weight. So I WILL
exercise this week and I will stay away from crappy food. I will get through this. I am also going to switch my Jasmine tea I have been drinking to peppermint and mint herbal tea. My stomach still seems to be upset and it makes no sense. I am not drinking soda, coffee or eating anything really bad for me (other than the two obvious nights).
I didn't get much crafting done either. I was trying to do the soldered glass pendants and my soldering skills are very, very poor. I will have to learn and that will only take practice. I didn't do any bottle cap jewelry either, so I will not be doing the Metromix, Girls Night out after all. I am slightly disappointed, but it's okay. I will make up for it this week.
Okay, now I am off to make a personal pizza and a salad for dinner. DH is making Chicken Noodle (whole wheat egg noodle) soup and it will not be done anytime soon.
Thanks okay though it will be yummy tomorrow.

Migraines, Headaches and dizzy spells

2009-02-20T18:26:00.002-06:00

So I had a migraine starting late Monday night which carried over to Tuesday. I went in to work late on Tuesday as I took something hoping to get rid of it. Not! It turned into a mild headache with dizziness and a general feeling of being high though my drugs wore off through out the day on Tuesday. It then came back towards the end of the work day on Tuesday and continued on in to Wednesday. Then it became a headache on and off on today I missed my dr.'s appt. So I still have no idea what's going on and now I will have to pay for missing my dr.'s appt. before seeing my dr.
Ugh!
I haven't exercised I am not eating great, but not terrible. That at least is good.
I am just fed up with being sick in some form or other. Today I have a slight headache and feel kind of woozy, dizzy like when you have a fever. I have eaten so it's not that and I have been drinking water so I am not dehydrated either. Of course I will just be told that these are migraines like I was told before of my dizzy spells and then they will try to make me take some medication that doesn't do shit. Ugh!

I have an opportunity to sell my crafts at special event Metro Mix is having next Thursday (with other STL Craft Mafia members) and I have next to nothing made and I don't feel like doing anything either. Ugh! I know I must because I need the money and I promised myself that I would try and take every opportunity to sell my wares and get my name out there. Hard to do when you feel like crap though. I think I might break down tomorrow morning and have a cup of coffee so that I will have no choice but to move my butt. Ugh, ugh and ugh again!

Surprises, cleaning and fish tacos, oh my!

2009-02-15T18:43:00.003-06:00

So I was woken this morning by my son to tell me my husband was cleaning the house. Now our house as of recently looked like a tornado went through it so this was huge. I had asked for the house to be cleaned for Valentines day and I thought I was getting my wish, until I remembered hubby asked me yesterday to help him sew the cover for his scooter seat and I told him, sure when you help me clean the house. Well I guess he really wants that seat cover. LOL! He did quite a bit, but left plenty for me and the promptly went to sleep and is still asleep on the couch. Between insomnia and winter time blues I am a little worried about him and his sleeping.

Well I cleaned all day and I am very, very, very far from done. Between the two of us we put a dent it, but still a long ways to go. I am happy as the dishes are done and after doing the dinner dishes I should have a clean sink. Yay! That is not happened in a long time. My kitchen floor has been mopped too. It's a beginning. Once I see headway I can pull it together enough to keep going. Yay!

So I made fish tacos for dinner. This is only the second time we have tried this, so though they were pretty yummy there is room for improvement. I used tilapia that we got on sale at schnucks last week. I marinated it in lime juice with cilantro and about a 1/4 of packet of taco seasoning. The fish itself was tasty, but I had cut up red cabbage and red bell pepper to put in the taco and it would of been better if I had made it into a slaw with lime juice. We added sweet corn and black beans with a smidgen of monterey jack cheese (which really was not even necessary) all on a wheat tortilla. It was tasty though again I think I will make more of a slaw to go on it next time.

I had planned to walk today and that is not happening either. I need to finish laundry, shower and finish the dinner dishes all in the next three hours. Wish me luck! LOL!

Hard times in the dieting world

2009-02-14T16:28:00.003-06:00

Well I am not doing so good on the dieting and the exercise in next to nonexistent.
I have been eating more than I should, though it has all been healthy other than yesterday. Yesterday while visiting my best friend I had Imo's deluxe pizza and chicken wings and one cinnamon bread stick with icing. Well that was all I had for the day other than two oatmeal peanut butter fiber bars. But, I ate a lot of it. I did tell my self that I could occasionally have these things if I wanted them, but I think because I haven't had them in so long I over did it. I really wanted to see how I would do with food like that and well it was not good. I will have to learn to exercise greater awareness of what I am eating when I am eating it. Ugh! And of course I am sure whatever we do for dinner tonight it will not be the healthiest of choices. Good thing, hubby went to Rally's for dinner yesterday and then went to Jack in the Box after drinking. Well his body revolted after this. He is actually starting to embrace this eating healthy thing. Wow! I wasn't sure how to react as I didn't want to make too big of a deal out of it and him to go all passive/agressive and start bringing home crap again. But I wanted to encourage him on the fact he realized this. I hope I did okay.

And since Yoga on Thursday I have not worked out or exercised at all. I just can't seem to get motivated. Of course my house is still a tornado of a wreck so maybe that is part of it. I asked my family to start to clean the house with me for Valentines day and well no one has done anything and my hubby is asleep on the couch yet again. He seems to be there a lot lately. I did however get a new pair of headphones for Valentines and some Ghiradelli dark chocolate squares with 60% cacao. They are yummy and super rich and I can actually exercise just eating one a day. Hubby said it wasn't fair not to get chocolate on Valentines day. He did good on this one!

I tried the other day to create a play list on my mp3 and I still have no idea how to. I am going to keep trying though and I have yet to look it up on line. That is next. I did however find out how to delete the crap ass music they load on the Mp3. It was suck ass music and every time a song would come on I cringed, cursed and wanted to throw the damned thing. Now I have to figure out to rip a cd to the computer so I can then turn it into an mp3 and then download it to my mp3 player. I haven't been able to keep hubby awake long enough to have him teach me. Ugh! When will spring be here????? I think we all have a touch of winter time blues.

Dysgraphia, Eating too much and a sigh of relief

2009-02-12T17:47:00.002-06:00

Well I have been eating way too much lately, way too much. It might be healthy, but it is still too much. I had yesterday

**Breakfast
1 pkg instant oatmeal
1 banana
cup chai tea
_________________
**Lunch
1 can progresso Savory Vegetable with Barley
1 small salad with no dressing
1 orange
____________
**Snack
1 fat free chocolate pudding
1 apple
______________
**Dinner
leftover pork roast
1 potato with smart balance margarine and low fat sour cream
___________
**Late Snack
half bag popcorn
1 orange
1 oatmeal & peanut butter fiber bar
1 blackberry kashi bar
1 cup milk

Yeah, I tend to pig out at night for some reason. I think part of it is boredom and maybe some stress.

I am always stressed when I need to go see my son's teachers for his yearly I.E.P. I just have so much guilt when I go in and it is usually worse coming out. I actually broke down in to tears one year. It was embarassing to say the least.

Well today went great! Both is Communication Arts teacher and his advisor/home room teacher both told us early on in the year that they were concerned with his handwriting and that they were going to look into getting him tested. Well this is why my son had an I.E.P to begin with. His Kindergarten teacher wanted him tested because of his handwriting. She thought it might be Dsygraphia. Well he was tested by a woman who kind of half assed his testing and was more interested in what our psychologist had to say about him then her own findings. Well our personal psychologist was not going to be able to diagnose Dysgraphia, that is what she was there for. Well now, 6 yrs later he is going to be properly tested. He will also have in his I.E.P. that he can have a scribe (some to write notes for him if needed or for lengthy test answers that he cannot use a computer on) he will also be given the option to use the computer to take notes while at school and on most of his school work. All of his teachers went on and on about how bright he was and how he tested advanced on his MAP and other such tests. He is smart. I know this. They also talked about how if you ask him to verbally tell him his answer the child is spot on, but if he has to write it out it is a struggle. Here are the symptoms of Dysgraphia

SYMPTOMS

1. Students may exhibit strong verbal but particularly poor writing skills .

2. Random (or non-existent) punctuation. Spelling errors (sometimes same word spelled differently); reversals; phonic approximations; syllable omissions; errors in common suffixes. Clumsiness and disordering of syntax; an impression of illiteracy. Misinterpretation of questions and questionnaire items. Disordered numbering and written number reversals.

3. Generally illegible writing (despite appropriate time and attention given the task).

4. Inconsistencies : mixtures of print and cursive, upper and lower case, or irregular sizes, shapes, or slant of letters.

5. Unfinished words or letters, omitted words.

6. Inconsistent position on page with respect to lines and margins and inconsistent spaces between words and letters.

7. Cramped or unusual grip, especially holding the writing instrument very close to the paper, or holding thumb over two fingers and writing from the wrist.

8. Talking to self while writing, or carefully watching the hand that is writing.

9. Slow or labored copying or writing - even if it is neat and legible.

______________
My son does all of these things. I guess I should of had him retested long ago, but really I had conflicting information from a varied of teachers that said they thought he was just lazy or lacked focus and had poor organizational skills. I am relieved that he will be getting the help he needs! His teachers are looping teachers, meaning he will have the same teachers for the next three years (all through middle school) and his advisor teacher said not to worry that we will get him where he needs to be to go into high school. Yay! We talked about incentives for him, etc. And this lovely woman who my son has captured her heart offered to pay for a Six Flags Season pass as an incentive for him. I told her we could do that and she said that she wanted to at least pay half her self. What a dedicated, caring woman. We could only be so lucky! Needless to say I am thankful for the caring teachers my son has and if anyone says anything bad about the St. Louis City Magnet School program they are going to have to listen to me go on about my experiences with these great teachers! LOL!

I am so relieved, but that hasn't stopped the eating. I today have had so far

**Breakfast
1 asiago cheese bagel with 2 butters from the St. Louis Bread Company
1 yogurt parfait which was yogurt, strawberries and granola. (okay I knew that the bagel was not the best choice, but the parfait I thought oh now that is healthy. Well it had 310 calories, 12 grams of fat and 4 grams of fiber. Ugh! )
________
**Lunch
last of leftover pork roast with onions & mushrooms
__________
**Snack
1 fiber one oatmeal & peanut butter bar
1 banana
___________

Okay the problem is that I am still hungry. Ugh!

Tired and ramblings on Failure & Therapy

2009-02-11T10:53:00.002-06:00

Yesterday' s Food intake

***Breakfast

1 oat & chocolate fiber bar
1 banana
1 cup Indian Chai Spice

_______________________
***Lunch
1 can progresson Italian Vegetable
1 orange
water

__________________________
***Snack
1 fat free vanilla pudding
water

___________________
***Dinner
water
pork roast with tons of garlic, marsala wine, beef broth, onions & mushrooms
1 crockpot potato with smart balance butter, low fat sourcream, salt & pepper
______________
***Late snack
1 apple
Chocolate delights Quaker mini rice cakes (okay, these are bad people! They are like eating chips. You might measure them out, but then you eat half the bag anyway. They taste yummy, but they have not fiber, none. So I could have an apple, orange of fiber bar for the same amount of points. So I will not be buying these again. But, I had a coupon and they were on sale. Never again!)

Man, I am sooooo tired today! I tried to go to sleep early Monday night and slept for maybe 45 minutes when hubby got home from work and came in to say hi! He woke me up though he didn't mean too. Usually I would just go right back to sleep, no I started thinking of all the things I needed to do. So I got up and did them. Ugh! I laid back down a little after 10pm and then couldn't go to sleep. I know it was past 1 a.m. when I finally went to sleep. And last night was no better! I have not had any tea past 3pm either, so I am not sure what is going on. I am tired at work and tired when I get home, but once I go over the 8pm time I am wide awake and have trouble falling asleep. Ugh!

Last night as I lay in bed unable to sleep I started to think about how badly I have been doing this past week with dieting and no exercise. I do good for a while, get all gung ho and it seems like three weeks in I just lose faith. It is like if I don't see quick enough results I get discouraged. Well it is hard to get quick results when you don't exactly stick to the diet and you don't exactly exercise. Ugh! I thought again about different things in my life that I have stopped or gone back to on and off. I am scared of failing! That is one of my biggest problems in my life. I get discouraged and think I might fail and I just quit or sometimes I don't even try. I hate this about me! I know I have passed this on to my son and it breaks my heart. I have got to learn to conquer my fear of failure or I will fail, because I will give up way to easily. I keep talking about getting a new therapist or psychologist again for me and my son. But, I keep putting it off too. I know some of what they are going to say already and I guess I am not ready to hear it all or again maybe I am scared it will not work. I am so unhappy with my life right now. I am tired of a messy ass house, I am tired of my dogs not being fully potty trained and having accidents that I seem to be the only one who seems them and cleans them up, I am tired of picking up after a grown man and two children who should already know where the dirty dishes, dirty clothes, trash and their toys go, I am tired of yelling at my family to do things that they should be doing on their own!!!! I am tired of my house being so damned messy that I am too embarassed to have friends over or to even open my door all the way. I am tired of nagging at my family and now I know how my mom felt. Ugh! I am tired of the clutter in my home, but I am really unsure of how to conquer it. I know I have to purge some of my craft stuff, but really my craft stuff is contained. I would love to have a place for everything and everything in a place. But I feel like I have to buy stuff to put it the stuff in. I want to be organized. I want to feel like I can conquer almost anything thrown at me. I want to be able to exercise daily, eat right and feed my family right, do the dishes nightly, keep my house clean, walk my dogs, do my crafting, and still be able to hold my job. What happened to me that I can't seem to do those simple things that most people do? I want to blame the crappy ex-boyfriend before my hubby for all of it, but is it him and what I went through. Am I so beat down from my past that I can't let go and live my life the way I want. Or am I truly just lazy? What the hell??? I deserve after all the crap I have been through in my life to be able to do those simple things. I mean really!!!! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! I need counseling bad, don't I?!! LOL!
Mean while the Damned's "Therapy" plays through my head. LOL!

Oh and tomorrow I get to go to my son's school for his IEP, where I will be told that I am a bad mom because he never does his homework, etc. At least this time hubby has to go with me so he can get in trouble too. LOL! We try with our son, but every damned thing is a battle with him. I give up somtimes because it is easier on me. I know, not the right thing to do as a parent, but when everything is a battle sometimes you go to pick your battles and I don't always pick the right ones. I will be the first to admit it. See I need help people! LOL!

Green Curry Chicken is fattening!!!

2009-02-09T19:08:00.003-06:00

So I had mostly (minus Kafir leaves) all the stuff to make Green Curry Chicken. I will say that it was super yummy! I will also say that it was super duper fattening.
It is basically chicken swimming in coconut milk with some seasonings. Coconut milk is 150 calories, 14 grams of fat and no fiber per 1/3 cup. Ugh! I put it over brown rice, but it was still outrageously fattening. I will have to find a lower calorie & fat way to make this as it was soooo yummy! Of course it is that TOTM and I am eating anything that is not glued down. Thankfully we went grocery shopping last night and we have lots of good for you stuff to eat. (other than the green curry chicken).

I have been eating Progresso soups a lot lately as I can take the to work for lunch and most of them are low calorie, low fat. And they are super yummy too. Last night I had the lentils for dinner and today for lunch I had the green pea with bacon. They are filling and I have had coupons and they have been on sale so it is an all around great deal.

So today was beautiful outside at lunch time. I ate lunch outside and then went for a walk. I decided to do the River's Edge as it is closest to my office. The anteater was out as usual pacing. The hippos were out of the water, sunning themselves. The hippos are never out of the water and the rhinos were out. Now this is the first time ( I do mean the FIRST TIME) I have seen them out since working at the zoo a year and a half ago. Crazy! The cheetahs were not out which made me sad as I love seeing them. The hyenas were not out either. Raja was the only elephant out. I wish the babies were out. I love seeing the little girl elephants! They are so cute. Maybe next time. The funny thing is that it usually takes me a while to walk that walk and I was through there in 18 minutes and I wasn't totally winded either. Yay! Of course I did not exercise, Friday, Saturday or Sunday and the little that I got at work will be all I get today as I am tired. I woke up around 11am yesterday hoping to do some cleaning and I never got around to it other than cleaning off the computer desk. Ugh! My house is a mess and I want to lite it on fire, grab my babies and run. That is just sad! Of course hubby slept all day as his insomnia is crazy and well all that sleep he lost over the week, he made up for yesterday. I did however get to the grocery store and I managed to put the green curry chicken in the crock pot for today, so that was good. I also remembered my market bags for the groceries, though we were short a few. I will need to get some more. I also got three loads of laundry done, so though I didn't do much, I did do some.

I hope it is pretty tomorrow at lunch I want to eat outside and then go visit the baby tigers and the leopard cub. Of course I will take this rain over the freezing cold weather or snow anyday.

More on Fast Food & Leftovers, the store

2009-02-07T20:47:00.003-06:00

So yesterday was not a good day eating wise. I found that I only lost 5 lbs and the crappy Jack in the Box salad, I got discouraged. So after the STL Craft Mafia, Green with Indie meeting I had Jeremy run to McDonald's and get a Double Quarter pounder with cheese and fries. Not good! We had no real food in the house and if we had I know I could of stayed the course. Ugh!

Well today I went to Leftovers, etc. Which is this great non-profit out in St. Charles that has all kinds of donated recyclables and other supplies that a teacher or art student might need. The sell it by the bag to the public ($7.00 for a brown paper grocery bag full) and for the teachers it used to be free, but is now $3.50 a bag. It is a great deal. I got another wooden spool to use for my displays at craft fairs, etc. too. Cordi got 4 books and I got a little inspiration. I found a kick ass bowling trophy that has a wooden bowling pin on it. I am going to try to paper mache' over the bowling girl to make her a Day of the Dead bowler. If that doesn't work I will make one and then attach it to the trophy. Very cool! I got some hooks for my pegboard display, some long two sided straight pins for my cork boards, some foam core board, a few picture frames that I plan to take out the glass and use cardboard or foam core to build off. It will be a sugar skull or Day of the Dead person in a cool frame. I also got some wood for bases and a few other cool things. Plus I told them about the upcoming Green with Indie show and they might do a Info table there. Cool!

So we went to lunch at the Bread Company afterward and I thought I was doing well by getting the Fuji Apple Chicken salad. It was absolutely delicious with dried apple chips, spring greens, onion, tomatoes, walnuts, gorganzola cheese bits and a creamy apple balsamic vinegarette and chicken breast of course. It was good and I thought it might be a little fattening. But I just need to read up or make much better choices. It was 520 calories, 30 grams of fat and 6 grams of fiber. OMG! 30 grams of fat???!!! That comes to 12 points. Now if I made this at home I am sure I could make it less fattening. I would use less of the cheese, walnuts and chicken, more greens and try to find a way to make the dressing lighter. It gave me a good idea for making another salad. But, man you think you are eating healthy and though it was probably pretty healthy, it was definitely fattening. Ugh! So I will have to really read the ingredients, educate myself more on fat content, etc. This will definitely be a learning lesson. Oh well! Live and learn!!! LOL!

We went to Target tonight to pick up the usual dog food, body soap, etc. I had a few coupons on sale items saving use $4.50. Not much but it's something and I remembered to bring the market bags. Yay me! It's a start.

Trying to eat healthy & Fast Food don't mix, ugh!

2009-02-06T17:51:00.003-06:00

So there is nothing to eat in the house and I thought it might be cheaper and better for me if we went to Jack in the Box. I figured I could get a salad and the kids there meals and I would still be eating healthy. Wow, was I wrong. So I got the Jack in the Box Asian Salad with Grilled Chicken. The salad itself is 2 WW points. No big deal right. Well that is without the dressing, almond slivers or wonton strips. I did not put he wonton strips on the salad. I did put the dressing on the salad and it topped out at 5 points. That is insane! Okay, here is something that I do not agree with at all and well I guess if you are eating fast food you don't care a whole lot. The individual packaged almonds and wonton strips do not have the calorie count, etc. on them. You have to go to Jack & the Box website and I still did not find info on the almond strips. It doesn't state the ounces amount of the chicken either. Why I am surprised I am unsure! So I tried and granted I am full now and I did eat somewhat healthy I will really have to make sure we have food in the house at all times.

Well I got my new Y brochure yesterday and they have Bellydancing on Friday mornings. Yay! I am going to sign up for that and the yoga again and try to do the Women on weights class too. I am going to go ahead and sign dd up for dance and both kids for swimming lessons. The more we can get in there and use it the better!

Even after my walk yesterday I went ahead and did half and hour on the treadmill. I tried just listening to the classic alternative station on our dish tv. Well it kind of sucked. Just not uplifting enough music. I tried searching some of the other channels and they sucked too. So I will definitely have to load up some more stuff to my mp3 player and try and find some more songs that get me moving too. But I realized that I will need to look into doing some circuit training of sorts. Every one is raging about the Jillian (Biggest Loser trainer) 30 day shred. I went to my asthma study today and got paid a lot more than usual so I think I might pick it up if it is under $10.00. I might look at a few other though as it is supposedly really tough. Not that tough isn't good, but I don't want to injure myself either. I might pick up some exercise pants too, depending what my options are at Target. I weighed myself at the asthma study today on their digital scale with my shoes on and it said that I lost 5 pounds. Yay! I am not going to celebrate too much as I have been keeping track of my weight by using the old fashion Dr.'s scale at the Y. I will officially celebrate after weighing in there if I lost weight. I weight myself without my shoes there. Considering I haven't done much exercise that is not too bad. But, considering I have given up soda and I have had this on again off again intestinal thing you would of thought I had lost more. It's okay though. I need to learn to celebrate any loss and not get discouraged.

So I have that book Love Hunger: Recovering from Food Addiction and (Yawn!!!) it is slow and boring. I get a lot of what they are saying, but it is all things that I am already familiar with. I guess no book is really going to help me get to the bottom of why I eat the way I do and have the issues I do with food. I need to start seeing a therapist/pyschologist again anyway for my many issues. Might as well try to figure out the whole food thing too. LOL!

Okay I need to get ready to go to the Green with Indie STL Craft Mafia meeting. We are voting tonight on who to let in to the show. I looked over a lot of the websites and I was quite impressed with a lot of the artists.

Pee Wee Houdini and his amazing assistant, Let's make a break for it Lu Lu & chips

2009-02-05T15:54:00.002-06:00

So I didn't get to go to Yoga class again today. The reason, no headaches or intestinal problems, no I had two escape artists in my household. One Pee Wee Houdini and his amazing assistant Let's leave it all behind Lu Lu. Yes, my two Boston Terriers made a break for it today. Patches, our pitbull/french bulldog mix wanted nothing to do with it amazingly. She went out, did her business and promptly came back in. She will bark at the back door when she wants it, so hubby let her in and then called for the dogs then realized in that two minutes they were gone. So we scoured the neighborhood for almost two hours looking for these two rascals. The good thing is that they did stick together and did not cross any major streets and neither one was hurt. I got my workout though, walking our neighborhood for two hours while my heart was beating out of my chest because my two babies could get hit, get eaten by a bigger dog, or picked up by a stranger never to be seen again. I spotted them finally about four blocks north and one alley over. I was so damned relieved.
Now the kids got their asses chewed last night as one of them left the gate open last night and they got out last night. Thankfully we found them last night in about 5 minutes. The kids were told to properly shut the gate and I assume that they both assumed the other one did it. So now we will have to rig that gate so it can't be open at all. There is another gate on the other side of the house we an all just use that. I don't want a repeat of this morning EVER again. Ugh!

So I am very proud of myself. I was perusing my daily blog reads and happen to look over and there on the computer desk is a lonely half full bag of plain potato chips. Now plain potato chips are one of my favorite all time snacks. Guess what that bag has probably been sitting there for over 3 weeks or whenever it was that hubby brought home the chips/cookies. Now that gives you an idea of the state of my home (messy like a tornado of trash & dirty clothes have rolled through with a small entourage of toys mixed in), but the chips are there and I haven't even thought about them. Crazy! I am proud, proud, proud!
I did however break down last night and made Edamame and ate about half a pack by myself. I let myself stress a little yesterday over the continued on and off instestinal thing and the migraines & headaches. Then of course was all the stupid people I had to talk to on the phone yesterday and the picky ass people from the book swap. So I guess I let the small smidgen of stress get to me and let myself eat. The good thing is it was Edamame and I stopped once I felt full or maybe when I realized it was time to step away from the food. Either way it wasn't a half-gallon of ice cream or a bag of chips with dip. Things are getting better!

Yesterday's food, not including points because I am lazy today

***Breakfast

1 fiber bar 2 points
_________________
***Lunch

one green salad and one grilled chicken breast
one packet of light ranch salad dressing (120 calories and 11 grams fat, and they call this light, scary)
_________________
***Dinner
1 cup of cubed chicken breast with fajita seasoning, lime & cilantro
green lettuce
1/4 cup corn
1/4 cup black beans
1/4 cup plain lowfat yogurt (in place of sourcream)
_____________
***Snack
fiber one bar 2 points
half bag of Edamame

Woo hoo, does music make a difference?!!!!

2009-02-04T21:01:00.002-06:00

Okay, I just finished 27 minutes on the treadmill. I know not a lot, but for my fat ass it is a lot. I could barely do 12 minutes the other day. I accredit it to my mp3 player. Music does make a difference. It can really get ya pumping. Well at least me! I love dancing, though I am not good at it and that is kind of what I did. Walked fast while swinging my arms around like I was dancing. I was even singing out loud while my kids laughed at me. Did I care? NO! Of course I don't have an Ipod, I have a cheaper version mp3 player a Sansa. It is not a bad Mp23 player at all, but I have no idea how to make a play list and I do not have a lot of the kind of music that would get me pumping yet on my mp3 player. So I guess I will have to try to figure that all out in the next few days. Yes, Gwen Stefani, Horrorpops and David Bowie make me move my ass. LOL!

Headaches, picky people and why isn't it Spring already?

2009-02-04T20:11:00.002-06:00

So yesterday I felt crappy and ate

1 fiber bar
1 baked potato with plain yogurt
a green lettuce salad with lemon, salt & pepper
and popcorn.

That is all! I am not going to figure out the points as I was no where near over. I got no where near eating all my veggies, fruits and milk for the day either.

Today I had a headache all day and still have it and my neck is stiff and tense. I am sick of being sick dammit!

So I joined this paperback swapping club thing, and I have had to deal with two picky ass people already. One lady decided to send me my book with out enough postage on it so I had to pay the $2.81 for it. So I gave her a bad review. She was mad that I did this. Wait I had to pay for my own book to be shipped and you are mad that I turned your ass in. WTF? Really??!!!
Today someone tried to tell me that I sent a book in severe condition and that it had water stains and a crooked spine. Okay I would not send a book in such condition, especially when I got the book it was in near new condition. No lady you are wrong. I will agree that I can be hard on the spines and they will have a crease, but not crooked or broken. I told her if she is that picky she needs to put this in her messages to people when she requests books. Don't piss me off today! I have had a headache all day and I have felt like shit for almost a month now and you want to argue over a fucking paper back book. NO! Ugh! Now I am going to look at every little flaw on the books I send out and let people know before I send them. Some people just have nothing better to do with their time. Her signature was some mom thing, really you are a mom and you have time to squabble over a paper back book. Well your kids must be raising themselves. Wow!

Why isn't spring here yet and why haven't I gotten my spring brochure from the Y yet? I am ready to exercise and I want to do it outside too.

Sick yet again! Will this ever end?

2009-02-03T22:36:00.002-06:00

So yesterday I had the stomach thing again, while at work. I was lucky to get through the day. Today I wake up with a full blown migraine and I took so meds hoping it would go away so that I could go into work. Well no! I spent the day in the bed trying to sleep off the migraine. I felt better when I finally got up around 3:30pm, but still had a slight headache and I felt like I had a fever and I was dizzy. I am really beginning to worry big time about my health. So if it was diabetes, cancer or some type of infection all of that would of shown up in my blood tests. So what is causing this? I am eating healthy, somewhat exercising, I have given up soda & coffee totally. To top it all off my house looks like a freaking tornado went through it and I do not have the energy to clean it up. I look around and I get stressed out and I just want to crawl back into bed. So is it stress? Can stress cause multiple symptoms like this? I have not given up processed foods, yet and plan to cut down. But I have always wondered if there was something in those foods that could cause migraines, but I what did I have yesterday that could of caused it? But that does not explain the stomach thing. Ugh!
Here is what I ate yesterday.
***Breakfast
fiber one bar 2 points
1 cup wild berry zinger tea
1 glass water
2 points
__________________________
***Lunch
Progresso chicken & rice soup 4 points
1 small apple 1 point
1 glass water
5 points
________________

***Snack
fiber one bar 2 points

***Dinner
one wheat tortilla 3 points
one cup cheese 8 points
14 pepperoni's 4 points
1 cup mushrooms 0 points
Jasmine tea
15 points
_______________________
***Snack
2 slices whole wheat bread 2 points
2 tbsps peanut butter 4 points
glass water
6 points
30 points for the day

I ate next to nothing today since I slept almost all day and I feel like crap.
Here is what I had without the points figured as I need to get to bed.

1 soy joy bar/berry

1 baked potato with plain yogurt and salt & pepper only
green leaf salad with lemon juice & salt & pepper

plain popcorn with salt

Lots of salt I know, but my blood pressure has always been good.

So I am wondering about my liver. I did a study through Wash U. a while back regarding non-alcoholic fatty liver disease. I have it, but all it really means is that I have a large amount of fat built up in my liver that could lead to more serious conditions down the round. Many things contribute to my fatty liver and there are many things that I can do to decrease the fat in my liver. So I was unable to finish the study as I had some mental health problems at the time and had to quit the study. I guess I need to bring this up to my doctor when I go back next Friday and see if this could be the issue or if is something that I need to have monitored because the study people acted like it was no big deal at the time and well being the paranoid person that I am I need to know for my own piece of mind.

So I watched Biggest Loser tonight and I was shocked to hear and not sure if I ever heard Jillian and Bob say that the results that the ranch players get are not anywhere near what someone at home should expect. I was glad to hear them say it, but I think it was the first time I heard them say that. Or maybe I just never paid that close of attention before. I mean those people do spend the day doing nothing but exercising, they have all the nutritious foods there at there disposal and they have the pressure of being on tv and expecting to have results. I don't ever expect to get those kind of results EVER! I am realistic. But it made me think about setting goals for myself and thinking about why I want this and what I really want.
I know I want to get healthy for myself and my family most of all, but I do want some things for myself that all fat people want and that is to wear a normal size in clothing. I want to be able to wear a XL or smaller even. I hate shopping for clothes because there is nothing cute for a fat girl, especially for an older "punk". Torrid has cute clothes, but most of it is designed for younger girls who don't mind there shirts being short, etc. I hate that! I want to cover my gut. Plus it goes with the trends more than it used to and I am not a trendy person. I love my idea of what I should look like and what I like to wear and well it is hard to find in my size. Plus being plus size, your clothes cost more and that sucks. I know it takes more fabric, but really? I have a long way to go though to get to XL even, so for now I will deal with what I have and try to look forward to those easier to find clothing.

As if I didn't need another reason

2009-02-02T18:16:00.002-06:00

Friday, Ugh! Friday wasn’t terrible with the eating, but I have a pinched nerve in my back that acts up now and then for no reason and I bent over and it started spasiming. It sucks! So I didn’t get to take the kids swimming, instead I laid in bed. It was quite frustrating. So yet another reason to get in shape.

I know I did good on my menu for Friday, but I neglected to write it down. We did have personal pizzas again. I loaded mine up with black olives, mushrooms & green peppers on a whole wheat nan. The nan actually gets crunchy a little too. Yum! I paired that with a salad.
I don’t remember what else I had that day. I know I had a fiber one bar for breakfast and I had an apple and some popcorn. I know it was a good day though.

Saturday was not a good day. I didn’t feel good so I slept in. Then my allergies started acting up as soon as I got up so I took a Benadryl and went back to bed. I had one fiber one bar for breakfast and broke down and had a double quarter pounder with cheese with fries. I did however stay away from soda though. That was all I had for the day though as I slept the whole damned day.

Sunday was not a good eating day! I kind of just let myself go. I tried not to worry too much about what I was eating and tried not to eat as much as I usually do. I did make some spring rolls with shrimp that were super easy to make a super yummy! I also attempted to make some veggie sushi with rice, carrot, cucumber & avocado. I cannot roll sushi rolls well at all and then I tried using some thing I got that is supposed to make the rolls tighter and it didn’t work. They were messy and loose, but they were eaten all up. My kids love them as do my friends kids.
I don’t know what the Weight Watchers points are for the spring rolls, I will figure that one out later, but I will be making them again!

Sorry to see the Cardinals loose yesterday! I am not really into football, but I grew up with the Cardinals being the football team here until they moved to Arizona. Plus they came sooooo close. It was sad!

And today I am sick again! I thankfully got through work okay. The dr's office called Friday and my samples came out fine. So next I go back next week to the dr. I don't remember all the steps if my samples were okay other than colonoscopy. Scary! Ugh! I am sure there are other steps before this I of course grabbed onto the worse sounding one and my brain skipped the rest.

I had another individual pizza for dinner tonight. It was just easier to do. I loaded it up though so I am sure once I figure out all the points it will not have been a healthy choice. It's okay though I am getting there. Ugh!

Okay now I am going to go check out the grocery store ads and look at my coupons.

Shopping & Winter Blues, Blah!

2009-01-30T13:31:00.002-06:00

So hear is a breakdown of what I ate yesterday. I ate way under my points if my configuring of the rice vermicelli noodles are right. I didn't get to yogo as I felt like crap, I didn't exercise at all this week. Really disappointing! Plus we are paying the mortgage this week so funds are tight and my hubby gave me a speech on how we can spend $300.00 on groceries this week. What???!!! I know we didn't spend $300.00 last week, but I am sure we came close to $250.00. It depresses me because I thought I did so well. I made a menu plan the sales ads, had coupons for some sales items and even used our market bags. I was so proud of myself. Of course we did spend almost $100.00 at the international market, but we got great buys there. We had to stock up on all the ethnic sauces and seasonings we use as we were almost out. We did get rice that we still have and their is other food that we still have and will use into next week too. But it is still depressing! I was trying very hard to be frugal and still try to diet. I know it will be easier in the summer when fruit & veggies are cheaper and I plan to try a small garden too. But damn it just sucks! So I have a treadmill & Y membership, why haven't I gotten off my ass to use either. I don't know! I would rather stay in my warm bed and read. And that is what I have done when not at work. Guess I need to challenge myself. I will put the damned treadmill downstairs by my craft area so I can turn the small tv I have to be able to watch it while on the treadmill. I do plan to take the kids swimming tonight so that will be some exercise. The kids really look forward to it and it is a good treat to end of their school week. Of course they ate everything in the house when they had their two snow days. I definitely have passed on some bad habits. We bought Aldi's fat free yogurt last Sat. as it tastes good and is cheaper than any of the yogurt at Schnucks, even when on sale. We bought 12. I had one, Jeremy had one and one was opened and I was unsure about it and threw it out. Well the kids barreled through 9 yogurts in two days though I told them specifically that they could only have one a day. I was so pissed! Needless to say I will not be buying yogurt for awhile other than my plain yogurt. I want them to eat healthy and I know it is better than chips or cookies, but there was tons of fruit to eat and they wanted the yogurt. Again another bad habit I have passed on to them. I am unsure how we are going to break that one. I can't ground them for eating all the yogurt. I thought maybe if we had it in the house it would stop becoming a novelty and they wouldn't eat it all so quickly. It was only the second week of buying though and my kids have total sweet teeth. Maybe once I get them hooked on the fruit. Ugh! Anyway, Blah! When will Spring get here, hurry up Spring!

***Breakfast

1 english muffin 2 points
2 tbsps peanut butter 4 points
glass Jasmine iced tea

6 points
_______________________
***Lunch

baked potato 3 points
1/4 cup plain yogurt 1.5 points

4.5 points
__________________________
Snack
1 apple 1 point

1 point
___________________
***Dinner

1 cup rice vermicelli noodles (I am getting conflicting information on this and the bag was in vietnamese so I have no idea what the points are. Pasta for one cup is listed as 3 points so I will just use that for now) 3 points
stir fry with bok choy, snow peas, bean sprouts, cauliflower, broccoli, carrots, red peppers 0 points
______________
***Late snack
1 fiber one bar 2 points
1 cup of oil popped popcorn 1 point

17 points for the day

Sick again! Ugh!

2009-01-29T13:07:00.002-06:00

Okay, so here is what I ate yesterday. It wasn't terrible, but I think while planning my menu for the week I will have to figure out points ahead of time and figure in my lunch and breakfast too and leave room for snacks. It sucks as I am not the world's greatest at organizing. I suck at it and I am also the world's biggest procrastinator. Ugh! But it will help me in the long run to be more prepared.

***Breakfast

1 packet Maple & Brown Sugar Instant Oatmeal 3 points
1 cup Indian Chai Spice tea
1 glass water

3 points
_______________________
***Lunch
2 servings (one carton) of V8 Butternut Squash soup (very yummy!)4 points
1 English muffin 2 points
2 tablespoons of butter 6 points (only because I was going to use the last of it, good riddance : p)
1 orange 1 point
1 glass of water
1 cup Indian Chai Spice tea

13 points
__________________________
***Snack
oatmeal/chocolate chip fiber one 2points
wheat tortilla 3 points
1/2 cup cheddar cheese 6 points

11 points
___________________
***Dinner

1/4 cup white rice 1 point
1/2 cup shrimp 4 points ( I am guesstimating as I am finding conflicting info)
stir fry veggies 0 points
5 points
______________
***Late snack
fiber one bar 2 points

34 points
_________________________________________________________
Well I am sick again. It came back with a vengeance last night. I missed yoga today and I feel like crap. I am so tired too. I have not heard back yet from the docs regarding my blood tests and samples either. Rowan was sick yesterday too so I am wondering what is going on. Are we just passing this back and forth or is it something in the house or did we all pick up some parasite or something at the same restaurant or by eating the same food. With Rowan it has come and gone quickly, but he is young. It just sucks! I do have a script for some medicine to help. I guess I will have to get it filled now. I was feeling better and hoped that it went away. Ugh!

Read the labels, people!

2009-01-27T18:08:00.002-06:00

Ugh! So here is the list of what I ate today already.
***Breakfast

2 packets Maple & Brown Sugar Instant Oatmeal 6 points
1 cup Indian Chai Spice tea
1 glass water

6 points
_______________________
***Lunch
2 servings (one carton) of V8 Butternut Squash soup (very yummy!)4 points
1 English muffin 2 points
2 tablespoons of butter 6 points
2 cups of grapes 2 points
1 glass of water
1 cup Indian Chai Spice tea

14 points
__________________________
***Snack
oatmeal/chocolate chip fiber one 2points
small apple 1 point

3 points
___________________
***Dinner
cowboy beef chuck roast 8 points ( I am not exactly sure of the points on this because I do not have a food scale. I will have to wait until next week to buy one. So I am not going to fret over it right now)
baked potato 3 points
3 tbsp lite sour cream 1.5 points
2 tbsps of fake butter 6 points (I thought this was similar to the I Can't believe it's not butter thing, well it is totally fattening. Ugh!)
1 cup of spring vegetables 0 points
18.5 points

41 points

I am really frustrated as I tried really hard to do good and I thought I was. Well I picked up this fake butter at Aldi's thinking it was similar to the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter which is FF.
Well I didn't read the label and packed it for lunch for my English Muffin and then I had it on my potato for dinner, again without reading the label. 1 tbsp of this crap had 10g of fat. One tbsp was 3 points, when one tsp of butter is 1 point. I could of had real butter instead. Ugh! So I piled on the points today and the day is not yet over.
And I wasn't sure how to measure my roast to try and get points without being able to weigh it. So I eyed it up. 3 oz of meat is about the same size as a deck of cards. I will have to buy a food scale next week. Ugh! It will be good to have though.
My points should fall between 29 to 34 points daily. So I will just chalk this up to a lesson learned and move on.

Okay and quit with the cold, snow and ice already Mother Nature. I am so tired of the cold. I just want to crawl in bed and hibernate like a bear. I hate the cold and I am going stir crazy as are the kids. I am not a cold weather person. I joked with a friend today saying I was going to move my craft desk outside under my pop up tent and stay there once spring hits. I will even tough out the spring rains. I would much rather have that than this damned cold!
Hurry up Spring!

What I ate today and why pop tarts are bad

2009-01-26T22:20:00.003-06:00

So I started the day out pretty strong. I tried to make a somewhat healthy individual pizza for dinner, but then I turned to the sweets and the fiber one pop tarts in chocolate fudge are super yummy, but 2 points each. So though my points could be much worse had I eaten non fiber pop tarts or some other unhealthy snack I am still not happy about it though. Night time seems to be a real problem for me and I know it is the stress of trying to handle the kids. I need to learn to freaking relax and some kind of magic trick that stops them from fighting. LOL! Yeah, like that will ever happen. They do play together as much as they do fight, so it is half and half with them. Ugh! Now they have a snow day tomorrow. They are super excited about that. I didn't get any exercise in today either. Slow and steady, I know wins the race, but damn it is so hard not to feel a little bad when you don't do something to move your ass. I did not go over the recommended points for the day for my weight. For my weight I can have between 29 to 34 points. So that much is good. I just know I need to make better choices in the evening and that pop tarts of any kind are a temptation to me. Sometimes I feel like that kid that long ago wanted to get to the sugary cereal right away, because if I didn't it was gone. Of course I am ready to yell because after I told my kids one yogurt per day they went through 10 yogurts since Sat. evening. I hate to say it, but I think I am just going to buy the big tub of vanilla and they will have to make do. Maybe that will keep them from eating it all. I got a big tub of non-fat plain yogurt and they do not like that. So I guess I could add fruit myself. We are just a family of gluttons and I have passed it on to the kids. My daughter is not as bad as she will eat only when hungry unless it has to do with sweets. I think she will indulge then. I am going to find a way to nip it in the bud now though. Off to bed, this cold makes me want to sleep all day. Hurry up Spring!

1 Fiber One oatmeal chocolate bar 2 points
1 banana 2 points
1 cup indian chi spice tea w/sweet n low 0 points

4 point breakfast
___________________________________
1 can progresso beef pot roast soup 2 points
salad with carrots, spinach, lettuce, carrots, bean sprouts, radishes, with lemon juice squeezed on top, salt & pepper.
1 glass of water

2 point lunch
___________________________________
16 mini pretzels 2 points
1 cup peppermint tea

2 point snack
__________________________

1 whole wheat nan 4 points
1/4 cup cheese 3 points
20 small black olives 2 points
half green pepper 0 points
half cup mushrooms 0 points
spaghetti sauce 1/2 cup 1 point

10 point pizza
_________________________________
fiber one bar 2 point

fiber one pop tarts (2) 4points
2 cups milk 2 points

8 points
______________________
26 points total

Pride=Motivation

2009-01-25T15:07:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was a good day! I went with hubby & kids to, two different groceries stores to stock up. We are going to a third today. I am determined to loose weight healthy and frugally. I actually remembered to bring along all of our market bags too. Yay!
We went to a International Market first. We eat a lot of ethnic food and this store is the cheapest place to stock up on those type of items (rice wine vinegar, soy sauce, spring roll wrappers, etc.). And they have fresh produce in the wild variety including bok choy, bean sprouts, plaintains, etc. All at affordable prices, not the mark up that you get at the local supermarkets. I also got some more teas as I have given up soda. I actually made a menu plan of sorts before going out and was prepared on what to buy. I did alter the plan a little as the international market does not have a sales ad so we kind of winged it there. We had to buy a lot of the staples, so it was a little costly, but it will save us in the long run.

Well I had a birthday party to go to last night and I was determined not to eat everything they had to offer and blow my progress. We had a healthy meal last night of lemon garlic salmon, whole wheat couscous and salad before I headed out. It made a big difference. I have to say that I usually will graze all night when there are snacks available and I had one plate and that was it. It contained about 8 olives (green & black) a few small cubes of feta cheese, two small slices of gouda cheese and one chocolate cupcake. I have to say I am very proud of my self. I really was worried how I would do. I tend to get nervous in public settings, even among friends and overeat, but I felt extremely relaxed last night and did not feel the need to eat at all. I wonder how much of this is mindset and how much that late dinner helped. Well I had a great time last night too. I got my ass whooped at Monopoly and then my teammate and I were winning at Pop Culture Trivial Pursuit when it was time to go. So at 2am instead of calling hubby for a ride, I walked home. It felt good to walk and I have to say that my good choices for the evening motivated me all the way home. It was great! Plus my friend whose birthday party is was gave me a great cookbook with what looks like some really yummy low fat/low cal recipes and I bought a great market bag from her with Heckle & Jeckle on it. Now hubby loves Heckle & Jeckle and plans to get a tattoo of them. Instead of the usual swallows on each side of his upper chest he is going to do Heckle & Jeckle. Too funny! I love my dh sense of humor. He cracks me up daily. So I bought a paper last night and I am going to cut my coupons again and get ready for the supermarket sales ads on Monday. Yay!

Swimming and stuff

2009-01-24T12:51:00.002-06:00

So yesterday I went to the Dr. about my 2 week long stomach bug. The dr. took blood and I have to mail in a stool sample. LOL! Poop in the mail. I know TMI, but I thought this was rather funny. He gave me some meds if I need them, but I have been okay for the past two days other than the headache when I wake up. I think I am going to try a humidifier in the room. It can't hurt.

So I took the kids swimming last night. They had a good time. I was a little pissy. There were three pre-teen/teen siblings in the pool last night who decided the deep end was there domain. They dove all night making wakes on the water and just being annoying. Now I wouldn't of minded had this too much, but they really had no regard for anyone else in the pool. Just flat out rudeness and lack of manners. And older couple came in and wanted to do laps. Half of the deep end is supposed to be for laps. Well the kids continued to dive, throw balls and swim in the WHOLE of the deep end while this couple was trying to swim. The life guard said nothing. It was annoying and had I been trying to do laps I would of been pissed and said something myself. I would of been nice at first. I decided to stay in the shallow end with Cordi who went under at one point and freaked out for a second. I was able to do laps myself in the deep end once all the families with little ones cleared out. It just really bothered me that the life guard had no balls to say something to this kids. How hard is it to say, stay on one side of the deep end, people are trying to do laps??? He has the right to throw them out if they are not behaving. Now mind you there was no parental figure anywhere to be seen. I am thinking they are part of the youth group that meets at the Y on Friday nights for teens. Well the youth group and parents have both failed these kids as they were lacking in manners for sure. I am debating whether I should bring this up to the Y staff or not. I mean that weren't trying to be mean, they just were not thinking about anyone else but themselves. I brought up to my own children what these kids were doing wrong and why. My kids are not saints by any means, but I have tried to teach them to keep other people in mind at all times. Yes, they might be a stranger, but I wholly believe in treat others as you would like to be treated. If those Y kids are teenagers and act this way, how are they going to act as adults if they don't learn this basic social skill?! Scary!
As a parent of often question my parenting skills. My kids are huge slobs, don't really have chores, get to stay up late on the weekend (because it makes it easier on me), get to have soda more than they should, etc. But as far as being good people, they are! I have at least taught them this and will continue to teach them this. So for that Yay me!

I didn't do great on dinner last night. DH made Past Carbonara, the poor man's version. Basically, bacon, spaghetti noodles, eggs and parmesan. Pretty fattening stuff. I didn't eat a lot of it though so that much was good. I don't even know how to count the points though I will try. I am going grocery shopping today and I have a menu plan of sorts planned off the sales ads. We will see how it goes as far as if it really saves us money. I hope so as I don't want hubby to say a word as my dieting ass will lay into him. LOL!

Going to a birthday party tonight. I am going to walk a little extra today and tomorrow to make up for any cake or snacks I eat. I have found it is easier to stop when I think I am going to binge and think about why I am eating. I also found I am not hungry all the time and my smaller portion size has not left me starving either. So good so far. I think really getting in to touch with why I overeat and really wanting to be healthy instead of "skinny" is making a difference. Yay!

Yoga and a big thank you!

2009-01-22T12:13:00.002-06:00

So I had Yoga today at the Y and it kicked my butt. I am so completely out of shape. One should not get out of breathe while doing yoga. Ugh! It is a good thing though. I walked home from the Y since it was so beautiful out. It is approximately 1.35 mile/s. I plan to walk the dogs later too. All but the youngest one. Her harness rubbed her wrong the last time we walked her and she has two scabs on her chest. Poor baby! I had no idea and feel so guilty about it. No wonder she didn't want to walk. Thankfully my son carried her a majority of the time or it would of been worse.

I want to thank everyone who responded to my plea or help and support. It was nice to get all the kind words, advice and support from my friends. I know some of you better than others and longer than others, but you all rallied to me and I truly appreciate it.

Now some random thoughts I had last night. I was thinking about the Wizard of Oz and the long journey all the main characters go on to try and find what they already had. The scarecrow wanted brains, the tin man and heart, the Lion courage and Dorothy of course wants to go home. It kind of reminded me of me right now and the long journey I am on. It is not to see some magic wizard, but a journey all the same. I have often and still in the past have the insecurities of all of these characters. Since I quite high school (though I got my GED) and didn't go to college but for one semester (recently I might add) I often question my intelligence. I don't do it as much as I did in the past. Partially because of my son. He made me realize that intelligence comes in many shapes and forms and a "test" or ones IQ doesn't mean that you are more intelligent that another person. I know more about certain things than others and I have street smarts that others could not come near to topping. I tell my son this all the time. And in doing that I realized it myself. I still have my insecurities, but they are no where near what they once were.
Then there is the Tin Man who wants a heart. Well I know that I have a heart and care and love, but emotions are something that I struggle with. My bipolar depression sometimes make me a raging bitch for no reason and I will then cry at a commercial. The love for my family and friends is always there, but the love for myself is still lacking a little. I still struggle with "Do I deserve this (my kids, husband, good friends, etc)" . I do not value myself like I should. So I guess on this journey I will be like the Tin Man looking for my heart or my self love I guess I can call it.
Next comes the Cowardly Lion and Courage. Now I am bold and out there. I am not afraid of a lot of things, but I am afraid of a few that frighten me to my core. Losing my children or husband frighten me. I am extremely paranoid about my kids being kidnapped or molested by some perv. I think I shelter them a little because of this, but truthfully I don't care I would rather have them safe. I am afraid of losing our home that we have worked so hard for. Money has been tight and still is and we are not the best at budgeting, etc. So though we are okay are this point, it is always in the back of my mind. I am also afraid to drive. I still don't understand why. I have freaking panic attacks sometimes just thinking about it. I have never been or seen a horrific accident. I have never had anyone close to me die or be seriously injured by one. I seriously don't know what I am afraid of. I sometimes think it might be independence. I rely on my hubby, family and friends to cart my ass around now and if I could drive I would be on my own. Now I know this makes to sense as if you know me and I fiercely independent and self reliant, but only to a point. I think part of me is scared of growing up and taking responsibility for all of my actions and mistakes, especially now that I have kids. I have though about this long and hard and I am not sure if this ties into my fear of driving, but it is something I am afraid of. I am also afraid of being alone. I know my hubby loves me and isn't anywhere near to leaving me, but I wonder if there will ever be a day where I push him to the edge with my depression and other issues and he decides it would be easier without me. I worry that one day he will no longer find me attractive or sexy. So this is another goal on my journey. To get over or conquer my fear or driving, not to obsess on bills and if we have enough, to realize that my hubby has been with me for 15yrs, he would of left me long ago if it became too much and of course he still finds me attractive and sexy, he can't keep his hands off me.
The there is Dorothy. Well I am home. What I need to do is be content with my home and perfect it and stop wishing for what will never be. I day dream sometimes of winning the lottery (not even the jackpot) and doing incredible things to my house. I obsess over it sometimes and this is not good for me. There are some things wrong with our house that need to be repaired and updated, but this will take time and money and we don't have money, so it will be a while. In the mean time I need to be happy with what I have, happy that I have a roof over my head and a great family to share it with and have some pride in my home. I can't keep my damned house clean. I am a lazy slob, my kids are lazy slobs and my husband is a lazy slob. I can't blame the kids, we haven't really taught them better. I mean they should know where the damned trash can is and put trash there and where the kitchen sink is and put their dirty dishes there, etc. So that is something we will all have to work on. So happiness in my home and pride in it by keeping it clean. Ugh! I have a long journey don't I?!

Dinner

2009-01-21T20:16:00.002-06:00

Ugh! So we had Hamburger Helper in the house and I needed to get rid of it. We also had ground turkey so I used that instead. I don't really care for ground turkey. I am trying, but man it just has a weird texture or something to it. The good thing is I ate less than one cup of the Hamburger Helper. I supplemented with a big salad.
I am sure I will bring hungry later, but it will take me so time to get used to ground turkey. I would of preferred almost leaving the meat out and just eating it as is. My daughter didn't eat it either. She ate around the meat. Kids are good at that. LOL! My son didn't seem to mind, we will see if hubby minds it at all. I doubt he will mind it though. A friend of mine used half ground turkey and half low fat ground beef. I will have to try that to get used to it. I would actually prefer to try to eat less meat all together, but if we have to then I will try the half and half mix.

My shout our for help

2009-01-21T15:39:00.002-06:00

Okay, so I just emailed a bunch of my friends and basically put my self out there!
I am sick of being sick, obese, unhealthy and depressed! I asked all my friends for support and to come out and exercise with me basically. As I am typing this I have yet another headache. I called my dr.'s office and they were closed, but I left a message to make an appt. I put this off for a couple of reasons. 1. I was hoping this was just a bug 2. They are just going to tell me what I already know. I am obese and unhealthy and that could be what is contributing to my problems.
or
3. they will run a ton of expensive tests that show nothing.

I had these dizzy spells when Rowan was younger and they come on an off and they run umpteen different tests on me including and MRI and Catscan and all that other crap that I hate to go through and they said "Well we think it might be migraines." I had no idea that the dreaded migraines that I get that put me in bed and make me puke my guts out sometimes could also come in the form of dizzy spells. Crazy!

I am going to go to the Dr. anyway as I will need a note for work and I hope they can figure out something. Ugh!

If not I will at least get a baseline for my current health and that will give me something to improve on.

Now if I could only fix my hubby. So I told him two weeks ago that I wanted to start eating better, exercising, etc. He said "Okay!". Like he always does. He lets me do what I want and just goes along with it. He like to placate me like some bratty child or eccentric, demented relative sometimes. It is frustrating to say the least. I have plans to start doing Weight watcher again as it has worked for me in the past when I followed it correctly. I need to get to the grocery store to do this though, so I have been just trying to make healthier choices at home and eat smaller portions, etc. Well hubby decides to bring home Lays potato chips and chocolate chip cookies the other night. Ugh! What the f*ck are you doing? Really??!! So I did not touch one cookie and only had two handfuls of chips since Sunday. Yay for me! So I though maybe he forgot. Oh no! He comes home last night with even more chips (we still have not finished off the first bag) and even more cookies. I did break down last night and I ate ten cookies with milk (bad me!). I was pissed at him and he got all pissy because I wasn't going to work today. Well I won't go into details, but my stomach bug or whatever this is, prevents me from doing my job at work. I know I tried to go in yesterday and had to make him come pick me up. So I turned to the cookies and made this okay by saying well they will be gone faster now. LOL! It's okay, I made a human mistake and I know why and that is the beginning of this process for me. Trying to figure out why I overeat and why I turn to crap ass food first. Ugh! I have a book coming in the mail call Love Hunger: Recovery from food addiction. We all have our addictions. Mine is food. It is what I self medicate with. So now I have to find another addiction to fill the void of this one. A healthy addiction like exercise would be great. I have to say though that couponing and finding great deals has been addictive lately. LOL!
Of course I should be crafting that could be a new addiction, but I get burnt out on that so easily. Ugh! I will find something to fill the gap and find a way to overcome and get to the bottom of the real reasons I overeat.

Thanks to everyone who is reading this and those who responded to my email "CRY" for help. LOL! Love ya! (((HUGS)))

Walgreens deals this week

2009-01-17T16:24:00.002-06:00

So I saved $41.17 in coupons today at Walgreens and they had tons of stuff on clearance that I got for a $0.25 and $1.00. Yay! Plus I will get back $9.99 back on easy saver rebates. So here are my clearance deals first.

Burt's Bee's beeswax lip balm, 2 both for $0.25 each
Prestige expresso eyeliner, $0.25
Maybelline mascara, $1.00
Maybelline lipstick, $0.25
Maybelline, definity eyeliner bronze saavy $0.25
Scunci square barrettes pack of 6, for $0.25
Biolage Hydrating shampoo, for $0.50
Iams dog treats (tartar cleaner), for $0.25
Fructis, leave in cream conditioner anti-humidity, for $1.00

Okay, now for the coupon items

Kleenex tissues, wgc $0.60 normally $1.49 for $0.89
Fiber One Bars, 3 for $6.00, I had two $1.00 coupons, so $4.00
Celestial Seasonings tea, 2 for $3.49, used mfc of $1.00, got it for 1.25 each
Aquafresh, $2.99, WGC of $2.00, MFC of $1.00, got if for free
Scrubbing bubbles cleaner $2.99, buy one get one free, MFC $0.75, so they were approximately $1.12 each ( I only use these on the bath tub, so they will last forever)
Fantastik cleaner & Scrubbing Bubbles cleaning bathroom wipes, buy one get one free, $3.79. I had a MFC for each at $1.00 each. So they came too $0.88 each
Glade Spray (2) WGC making price $0.89, and then used mfc for buy 2 $1.00 off, so they came to $0.36 each
Glade Plug Ins $2.39 each, MFC instant of $1.00 each, BOGO Free coupon making them $0.18 each

Rebates now

Revlon Matte lipstick, $7.99, rebate up to $10.00, so go this for free
Glade plug-ins 2 at $1.00 each

So again $9.99 in rebates. Yay! I love Walgreens now! LOL!

Walk in the park

2009-01-17T16:14:00.002-06:00

So it was a sunny 45 degrees today and after the last few days of 7 and 10 degress. I wanted to be outside. So the kids and I took all three dogs for a walk to the park. We have a beautiful park about 6 or more blocks from us. It is huge, has a concrete fishing pond that they stock often and people are always fishing there. There is lots of huge, old, shady trees, a nice playground, tennis court, horseshoe court, raquetball too I believe and right now they are building a recreation center that will have an indoor and outdoor water park and our YMCA that we just joined will be running it. I believe the YMCA will eventually move there. It will have waterslides, lazy river, kids area, olympic size pool I think and it will be the same on the inside too. Water fun all year around. It is due to open this summer for the outside area. I am excited! The kids and I can spend the summer there as it is walking distance. Yay! Once it gets warmer we are going to start recycling too. They have a great recycling center in the park too. We are just so bad about taking stuff there. This way when we go to the YMCA, we can drop by the recycling center.
So the walk was nice. The pitbull/french bulldog mix (Patches our APA rescue dog) pulled me the entire time or walked me basically. She is strong. The older Boston Terrier (Pee Wee) did really well and the youngest Boston Terrier (Lu Lu Belle) did awful. My son walked Lu Lu as she was scared stiff and didn't understand what was going on. Now that made me feel like a bad pet owner. She is a little over one year and the poor thing has never really been on a walk. So as it warms up we will have to walk the dogs more often. It was overall a nice walk and the kids enjoyed being out of the house too. The poor little one was better towards the end of the walk and I think she will do better next time.
Yay for sunny winter days and Carondelet park!

Y_M_C_A, it's fun to swim at the YMC*A

2009-01-16T21:23:00.002-06:00

Okay, so tonight I took the kids to the YMCA for the family swim night. They had fun, I swam some laps and we all got a good work out. I am so glad we joined.
I am actually kind of sore from swimming and doing the handweights in the water.

My health has been shoddy at best lately and after having some coffee this a.m. and some yogurt I started feeling yucky. It was like I had a head rush that would not go away. I am not sure what it was, but I had to lay down for a while. I had a stomach bug earlier this week and I have had headaches almost every day this week. I am not sure what is going on with me. This just seals the deal on the diet and exercise. I am obviously not healthy and my body is letting me know it. Body I am listening and working on it! LOL!

Yoga, the YMCA and horoscopes

2009-01-15T18:52:00.003-06:00

Aren't horoscopes funny! I enjoy reading mine each day. I don't put too much in to them, but today's matched my day quite well.
**********************************Horoscope*************
This could be a very unpredictable day for you, where you'll get to take three steps forward -- but then be forced to take two steps backward. The only sure forward-moving thing will be the sweet romance that is slowly building in your life! It's giving you all the encouragement you need to keep thinking positive throughout the day. Whenever you get stressed, you can just think of that certain someone -- and a smile will spread all over your face.
**************************************************

So I started my yoga class at the YMCA today. I was going to wait to join the YMCA as a family member until next month, however there was no joining fee right now. So I asked the kind ladies at the desk if I could put part of my Yoga class fee to the membership and then just pay the difference. They let me! Yay! So I had my yoga class and it kicked my butt hardcore. I didn't realize how out of shape I was until I had to try and hold certain poses and move certain ways and got no where near where I could at one time. I took yoga before. Actually before and then part of the time I was pregnant with my youngest. Well that was almost 7 yrs ago. I am sadly out of shape. Ugh!

So hubby was off today and we went to Aldi's to get some staples and a few things. Fruit and veggies were on sale. We did good. We got some of the fit active fat free yogurt for $0.39 each. We had gotten the Dannon yogurt from Schnucks earlier this week at $0.50 each. So Aldi wins there for sure. I did pretty good on eating well today, except for fried cube steak for dinner. It was in the house due to hubby and it needed to be cooked. I was going to try and bake it, but hubby took over. Oh well! Ugh!

We had planned to take the kids to class at the YMCA tonight that is for kids. Basically an exercise and nutrition class for kids. Well dinner took way too long and then hubby dragged ass and we didn't make it. The kids were a little upset, but I told them that tomorrow we would go to the family swim, with or without daddy. LOL! DD and I tried a belly dance dvd that I have had for some time and never really tried. Well it was hard. I have no idea how to do some of the moves.
There is a tutorial, but we couldn't get to it because I can't find the remote for the dvd player. Ugh! So we tried it for a while and then gave up. I will look for the remote more tomorrow.

So not the most productive day, but not bad! I am going to take this slow and try to not get my hopes up to high. I do this sometimes. Get all gungho, have high expectations and then when it doesn't pan out right away I quit. So slow and steady wins the race!

Bob Greene's Diet & Fitness Back to plan off of Oprah

2009-01-13T17:08:00.003-06:00

Okay, I found this at Oprah's website and thought these were some great tips.

To read the full post go here

Beginner

Weeks 1 & 2:

Food Switch: Replace soda with water, unsweetened iced tea, or fat-free milk. Diet soda is okay, but limit the amount, as it may encourage cravings for sweet foods.

Cardio: Fifteen minutes of activity such as walking or riding a stationary bike five times a week. You should be working hard enough so that you can talk, but not for very long.

Strength: None. Starting a strength-training program can stimulate hunger. That's why I recommend waiting until you get a few healthy diet changes under your belt.

Traps to Avoid: Don't be tempted by a shortcut (a fat-burning pill, a fad diet). It may work for a while, but to lose weight permanently you need to move more, eat less, and figure out the emotional reasons you turn to food.

Weeks 3 & 4:

Food Switch: Trade in your white bread for 100 percent whole grain, in addition, try incorporating whole grain pasta and brown rice into your diet.

Cardio: Add five more minutes to each workout session, for a total of 20 minutes, five days a week.

Strength: None at this time.

Traps to Avoid: Exercise is tough. You can shed pounds by just cutting calories, but among successful long-term weight losers, 90 percent exercise regularly. Physical activity also improves mood, sleep, even sex.

Weeks 5 & 6:

Food Switch: Cut out trans fat (look for it on labels—or for "partially hydrogenated oil"). Find baked goods and spreads without it, or make your own, using healthy fats, such as olive and corn oil.

Cardio: Add five more minutes of cardio to each workout, for a total of 25 minutes, five days a week.

Strength: Start with eight moves that work the major muscle groups—triceps extension, biceps curl, squat. Do one to two sets of eight to 10 reps for each, three times a week. Get all of Bob's fitness moves!

Traps to Avoid: Have you thought about the emotional reasons behind why you overeat? You'll keep relapsing if you don't. Try keeping a journal to help get at the deeper issues you need to address.

Weeks 7 & 8:

Food Switch: Switch from fried foods to roasted, sautéed, or baked. Try roasted potatoes, baked (and lightly breaded) chicken, and vegetables sautéed in olive oil.

Cardio: Add five more minutes of cardio to each workout session, for a total of 30 minutes, five days a week.

Strength: Continue with your strength training routine.

Traps to Avoid: Your initual enthusiasm may be wearing thin—so sudden work demands or an injury can throw you off your program. Figure out now how you'll respond to such setbacks.

More on trying to find the mental reasonings

2009-01-13T15:00:00.003-06:00

I was thinking again the other day about how I feel about myself and more reasons of why I can't seem to get my ass in gear. I remember being accosted at a bus stop early in the morning one day. I was much younger, but I was scared for my life. I thought for sure this guy was going to rape me. He keep going on about how hot I was, etc. Finally a friend of his drove up and he left. He never really touched me, it was just the feeling I had. I also think of every guy before my hubby and how they hurt me and used me for sex. At least that is what it felt like. I am sure there are many reasons for the men I was with to not stay with me, both mine and or theirs, but I think part of me thought if I was fat no one would want me and I would be safe. I looked at friend who was always big and she had people's admiration (for the wrong reasons obviously, she was not a nice person after all) and she didn't have the men problems I had. Her men liked her for her. Crazy thinking I know. I had a physically and mentally abusive boyfriend before my husband and he did a number on me too. I think that he just sealed the deal on all those thoughts I had and now I can't break away though I am happily married with a man who loves BBW. I am not expecting to every get thin enough to wear a bikini or anything like that and really don't know that I would be comfortable at that size. I just really want to be healthy and tuck my damned shirt in without having what looks like a mountain of flesh hanging off my body. I know there is still some self hatred there due to the abusive boyfriend and his mind fucks too. I just can't pin point them. I mean I know I am not beautiful, but I think when I am dolled up I am pretty. I feel like I am a good person and I deserve to be happy and healthy. I am just not sure. Lots to work on. I am going to take it slow and work on blogging too. I think just typing them out and thinking on things helps a lot. Maybe some things will resurface/surface while at it.

I missed the last few Ruby's. I need to watch those as I know she is working on it mentally too and I think maybe that will help me to realize some of my problems. Plus she is so beautiful and such a good person, she totally deserves to be happy and healthy.

Biggest Loser is not good for me. Those people loose so quickly and it makes me try to imagine me being skinny in one year. It just is not going to happen. I do know alot of those people work on their eating disorders too though while there. So that one is a toss up.

I know there has to be more on tv. I am going to do a search to see what I find. If I am watching crap ass tv, it might as well be something that is going to help me. LOL!

I have been following a certain blog and the blogger made a few points that I am going to try and follow. One was if you don't feel good in it, don't wear it. I have tons of clothing that I feel crappy in or is just not my style and I bought because it was either on clearance or at the thrift store or a hand me down. Just because I am fat I should be able to at least feel comfortable in my clothing.
Physically and mentally.
The other was about taking care of yourself. I have not regularly washed my face in ages. I am getting pimples left and right and I am blotchy. I don't use lotion or moisturizer at all and I don't drink enough water. I am itchy all the time due to dry skin. This I need to change too. I used to have beautiful skin when I was younger and at least if my skin looks good I could easily through on eyeliner, mascara and some lipstick and feel good about how I look.
My hair is another. Thankfully my hairdresser is not that expensive and does a free bang trim in between cuts. I just need to keep up with my appts. Haircolor is another. I just need to break down and buy it. Maybe buy in bulk when it is on sale so I don't feel so bad and have it on hand. It really is not that expensive and it is not like I am spending $60. a month to have it done at the salon. And it is not like I am going to have a mani/pedi every week. LOL! I so would if I had the money to though. I am going to treat myself to a mani/pedi though on my birthday each year. I figure I can get my feet looking nice right before sandal season and then I can keep up with it much easier. It's not like my hubby ever buys me anything so super that I will miss it if I have a mani/pedi instead and it will be easier on him. And like I talked about the other day with my best friend. If I have less clothing, but better clothing I will have less laundry to do. I am trying here. LOL!

I did good yesterday during they day. I had shredded wheat and lowfat milk for breakfast. (Will be switching to skim milk soon) I didn't have coffee with the fattening creamer I love, I did have a diet coke instead. I ate a salad at lunch, though not with the best dressing. However when I got home I was tired and the kids had already eaten everything in the house. I didn't make dinner, but let them eat Ramen noodles (and all time fav of theirs). I had progresso vegetable soup, a bologna sandwich with no cheese or condiment, some chips and then later 2 cherry cheesecake bear claws and popcorn (though with no butter), the last of the triple berry oat cereal and a huge glass of milk. I am not sure why but I cracked. The kids and I were watching dvds in my bedroom and the boy spilled his soda all over my bed after I told them no food or drink in my room. I almost think he did it on purpose. Ugh! That pissed me off. It seems like sometimes little things just tip me over the emotional edge when other things roll off me. I was tired too and of course I didn't go to bed when I should of. I did walk at lunch though it was cold as heck out. It was only about 20 minutes and it was leisurely, but it was activity all the same.

Maybe I need to blog my food daily until I am able to join WW. Just to keep me in the habit. Couldn't hurt!

Dancing is Exercise!

2009-01-11T14:09:00.002-06:00

Dancing is exercise! I love to dance, I used to go to concerts a lot when I was younger. I loved to go and dance all night. It was invigorating and so much fun. I also had a few bars I frequented that would play the type of music I like (Punk, Oi! and Ska) on certain nights and friends and I would have some drinks and dance. Well that is what I did last night and it was sooooo much fun. A friend's birthday was yesterday and we went to a bar that some friends of ours put on a dance night two Saturdays a month. Well the djays are super cool and took our requests and we danced all night. It was exercise! I sweated, had to sit down a few times and even use my asthma inhaler. It is sad that I can't dance like I used to, but cool that I found a new way to exercise. And friend joked that we should just get together turn on the music and dance our fat asses off. Funny thing is, it is a good idea. I would love to do that. So I discussed with friends that we try to make at least one night of the two a month if not both. It is a night out that is trouble free with good friends and most of my friends are moms or have stressful jobs and could really use a fun night out.

A search for the reasons I overeat

2009-01-08T23:08:00.004-06:00

So while laying in bed with a migraine after drinking a huge cup of coffee and being amped on coffee and unable to sleep I started to think about some of the reasons I overeat.
I know one is stress. I turn to food when I am stressed out. It is like an old friend that makes me happy. I have good memories related to food. My mom and grandma and great grandma all made a big deal of birthdays and holidays. They did this with food. My family was on public aid and food stamps growing up. Four kids, my mom didn't work and my stepdad worked, but it was not enough to take care of all of us. My mom also suffers from migraines for different reasons and she had depression too. So we did not have the healthiest meals. We ate alot of hamburger helper and spaghetti in the green box. We also ate lots of beans. Now we ate. We did not go without, but we did have sparse times and we might just get dinner, no snacks and we ate breakfast and lunch at school (both free). So holidays and birthdays were times to go overboard and plan ahead. So happy times and memories with good food.

Once I was out on my own with my first job I became a glutton. I didn't over do it all the time as I didn't make a lot of money, but on payday I did it up. And if I had extra money it was IHOP steak or Ponderosa. I thought this was living it up.

It was the same whenever I had money I celebrated my life with food. Now I was drinking heavily, partying a lot and I had not yet been diagnosed with my mental illness either so food and alcohol were my self medication. I just continued with the food even after I gave up the partying and never really looked at it as self medicating. It then became a habit that I did when I was stressed, depressed, etc.
Of course happy times required food too.

This is just the beginning. I know there are more reasons for my overeating and though I thought about them today I am not yet ready to go in to detail on those reasons. They are from a bad time in my life that I am still not over. More on this later.

My Walgreens savings today

2009-01-08T22:50:00.002-06:00

Okay so I decided to walk my lazy butt to Walgreens today to get my deals.

Here they go

Loreal Preference Hair color (2)for $17.98, WGSC of $5.00 and a Redplum coupon of $2.00 for a total of $10.98.

Fructis shampoo $2.99, WGSC of $2.00 and redplum coupon of $0.99, so got it for free.

Fructis smoothing milk leave in conditioner $2.99, WGSC of $2.00 & redplum coupon of $0.99, so got it for free.

Stayfree Maxi pads $6.99 each (2), BOGO free coupon so I got them for about $3.49 each

Loreal face towelettes $6.99, redplum coupon of $2.00 so got it for $4.99 ( I thought I would try them. Not the best bargain but it will do.

Softsoap liquid hand soap, normally $2.99, WGSC of $2.00, got it for $0.99

Coffeemate liquid coffee creamer, $2.49, redplum coupon of $1.00, so it was $1.49
It was not the best value, but I needed it and since I just really started using coupons. I will take it.

Quilted Northern toilet paper, on sale for $4.00, printable coupon of $1.00 so 6 double rolls for $3.00.

Loreal True Liquid foundation and powder, $10.99 each. Walgreens sale of BOGO free,
redplum coupon of $3.00 so I got them for $7.99

Airwick Lumin Air Flameless candle, 10.99, instant coupon of $3.00, rebate of $3.00, got it for $4.99

So I saved $48.67 in coupons. Woo ho! LOL!

I got another migraine today, not sure why. I didn't get much else done on my day off other than reminiscing on a new forum a friend created for old friends. Lazy day! But my savings will do. I still ended up spending $57.14 all together on my purchases, but I needed the things I bought so I guess it all works out.

Coupons and Frugality

2009-01-07T18:24:00.000-06:00

So in my quest to start eating healthier and becoming more organized I have spent the last few days looking over every coupon blog and free printable coupons site I could.
I am determined to eat healthier and to save money doing it. All the blogs say the same thing, you need to first buy the food you don't need that is on sale with a good coupon and stock up your pantry. So I have clipped and printed coupons and tried to match them up as best as possible to the Schnucks and Walgreens sales ad. I will check Costco next time I am there.

I am off on Thursdays and Fridays so I plan to go to WW on Friday and sign up. I am going to try using their monthly pass and hope that if I do that it will help me stick to the plan since I paid for a month. The hardest part of it really is getting the family on board. They are fine with eating fruits, veggies, lean meats, etc. It is the no snack foods like chips and ice cream that is going to be hard. I hope to offer better snack options for all and hope that by us eating the portion sizes we should that our monthly grocery expense won't go up.

I have not done well on the exercising or on my other New Year's resolutions yet, but I am going to take it all slow and hope for success that way.

I will keep you updated on the savings

So far I plan to go to Walgreens for Fructis shampoo and conditioner. It is on sale for $0.99 with in store coupon and I have two $1.00 off coupons.

Walgreens has Loreal Preference on sale for two for $12.98 with their coupon and I have a coupon for $2.00 off and I believe Walgreens will honor the coupon on both.

Walgreens has Loreal makeup at buy one get one free and I have coupons for Mascara $2.00 off and True Match $3.00 off not sure if I will get either, but I need foundation so I might.

Walgreens has Blue Diamond Almonds for 2 for $5.00 and I have a $1.00 off coupon. I am not sure if I will get these or not.

Walgreens has Stayfree, Ob and Carefree pantyliners with a $3.00 off coupon and I have a buy one get one free coupon for Stayfree, and $1.00 off OB (probably won't use) and $1.00 off any two Carefree pantyliners (might not use).

Walgreens has Special K cereal on sale 4/$10 - Register Rewards* Good on Next Purchase $3 = Like Paying 4/$7 and I have a $1.00 off coupon.

Schnucks has soyjoy energy bars for 10 for $10.00 and I have $1.00 off if you buy 5 or more. I plan to only buy 5 as I have never eaten these before and I am not sure of the fat content, etc. But thought I would try them. I usually eat a breakfast bar or instant oatmeal for breakfast on the days I work due to time constraints.

Schnucks has Progresso soup on sale 10 for $10.00 and I have two coupons, one for $2.00 off of four and one for $1.00 off of two. I believe they have some veggie type soup that is even WW Core or at least low in WW points, if not can get it for the family.

Schnucks has yoplait yogurt on sale for 10 for $5.00 and I have a $0.50 if you buy more than six. We usually stock up on these as I love their lowfat options and the kids love all of them.

Schnucks has Hamburger, Tuna and Chicken Helper on sale for 10 for $10.00 and Ihave a coupon for $0.80 when you buy three. We will probably just get the Tuna Helper as I believe I could make this some what healthy if I use skim milk, etc. I would be great for those I forgot to thaw something nights.

Schnucks has pizza rolls on sale for 10 for $10.00 and I have a $1.00 coupon off of two. I will get this for the kids for a quick snack. Not the healthiest choice, but it will be okay.

Schnucks has Quaker Life on sale for 2 for $4.00 and I have $1.00 off of two boxes of Life cereal.

Schnucks has Quaker Chewy Granola bars on sale for 5 for $10.00 with a $1.00 coupon off of two boxes.

Most of these will be good deals and some I will have to weigh against the no name brand and see which is cheaper. I think I will start getting the paper on Sunday's too to get the coupons and Walgreens ads (easier then scrolling through on line) and I can recycle the newspaper for my paper mache'. I am also going to ask friends and family members to start saving any coupons they don't want too. I am determined.
I am going to try and make a coupon binder tonight like the one I saw on The Coupon Coup. I think I have everything I need.
Wish me luck!

New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-03T21:58:00.000-06:00

So I'm very unhealthy, overweight, tired, asthmatic, depressed and tired of not having the best selection of clothing out there. I gained weight recently or my stomach dropped. All of my pants are tight and I have almost no work clothes other than stretch pants that I hate to wear. Being fat and wearing stretch pants go hand in hand and some time ago I vowed not to wear them anymore. Well I picked some up at a thrift store surprisingly new and now I am forced to wear them to work. Stretch pants on fat girls are not the most flattering, so of course I try to find a shirt that goes way past the rolls of my stomach. It sucks! I was given the Christmas present of clothes shopping for myself. Well I looked all the while we were shopping for the kids and family and I found next to nothing. I found a few things at Torrid, but that was it. Ugh! I am picky, don't wear colors, like my shirts to cover my stomach so finding all of that in clothing is not always easy. So after having to up my asthma medication because I have had to use my inhaler every day for almost two months, more than once in a day is kind of urged me even more to get my fat ass in to shape. I don't expect to lose weight quickly like Biggest Loser. I don't expect it to be easy, I don't expect to keep to the diet 100% at all times or to exercise daily like I would like too. I do expect to hopefully get healthy slowly in a safe manner.

So New Years Resolution:

1. To try and be more thankful for the good things in my life, instead of dwelling on the negative

2. To exercise in some form daily. Be it a 1/2 hour walk at lunch, a walk with the dogs and kids, some time on the dance, dance revolution mat, walking on the treadmill, etc.

3. To start Weight Watchers and have the whole family eating healthy more along the Core version.

4. To take more time and spend the money to take care of myself and the way I look.
(I will let my hair go forever and have one inch roots that are obvious, bangs in my eyes, etc.)

5. To get rid of all my clothing that I don't feel good in. If I don't feel comfortable in it why wear it?

6. To spend more time with my kids doing something active. Biking, walking, playing ball, Dance, Dance Revolution, etc.

7. To try and spend at least 3 hours a week on my crafts so I am not crafting at the last minute for my craft shows.

8. Make a menu plan and try to stick to it

9. Try sewing/altering some clothing for me

10. Try to complete at least two household improvements a month.

I am sure there is more that I will think of later, but this is a good start. I know I won't stick to all of them 100%, but that's what New Year's Resolutions are for.

Wish me luck!